The Valentine’s Day illusion: What couples get wrong about love

As roses flood markets on Valentine’s Day, divorce and separation petitions rise. Behind the roses, quieter reckonings unfold at home. If you could choose again, I ask a couple: what would you want in a partner?

In their mid-30s, they’ve been together for two decades. They move between Bengaluru and Silicon Valley, work demanding jobs, and raise toddlers. Like them, many couples I work with are facing unsettling questions at a time when love is renegotiated, marketed, and made more spectacular. Why doesn’t this feel nourishing anymore? Should I stay or leave? Why is my partner distant? Their uncertainty reflects wider shifts in how love is imagined and lived.

Today, love marketed by billionaires and influencers is increasingly commodified. The pickup line – “May I meet you?” – suggests billionaire Bill Ackman can solve for both romance and declining birth rates. Find yourself somebody who loves you with an intensity, says US Vice President J D Vance, as the devotion Democrats feel towards undocumented immigrants. “Never question me,” snarls the drunken, male protagonist of a new Bollywood blockbuster to his partner, if you want a happy married life. Online, viral memes – ghosting, monkey-branching, throning, wokefishing – urge, “Don’t let a man love you quietly.” Love must be spectacular.

Against this cultural din, where love is loud yet mysterious, their answers feel radical in their simplicity. “Someone who doesn’t make me feel unseen,” the wife says. “Someone who listens, and actually hears me.” The husband adds, “Someone I can trust, who supports my growth and well-being.”

What they describe isn’t uncommon; it’s simply overshadowed. As love becomes spectacle, intimacy rooted in responsiveness often vanishes. Relationships rarely collapse from lovelessness; they collapse because love is mistaken for intensity rather than the daily act of showing up, again and again. Cultural fantasies of a perfect romance magnify unmet expectations, exposing preexisting fractures. Strained couples are nearly five times more likely to separate around symbolic celebrations such as Valentine’s Day when scrutiny intensifies.

This is not an argument against romance or celebration. To be fair, spectacle is not the problem. Novel gestures can revive connection and reawaken attention. But without consistent care, spectacle substitutes for real connection.

For many couples, loneliness is not a failure of intention but of capacity. Care becomes difficult when political and economic instability drains the attention and emotional bandwidth that intimacy requires. In early 2026, major technology companies announced thousands of layoffs amid restructuring and shifting AI investment. US immigration uncertainty has further destabilised Indian households, triggering sudden returns from the US, income volatility, and identity disruption.

Divorce rates have climbed or plateaued at historically high levels. In Bengaluru, the risk of divorce is highest during the early to mid years of marriage – approximately between years 3 and 7 – with a secondary increase around years 10 to 15. In Karnataka, the number of divorce petitions increased by a factor of three between 2020 and 2022. These numbers reflect not sudden failure, but years of unattended erosion.

These patterns are not random. In my 2020 book on building love and intimacy, I describe three forces that undermine relationships in India. First, interference from joint-family dynamics, even when not living with them, can divide couples. Second, gendered invisible labour, particularly cognitive and emotional workloads, leaves one partner overextended. Third, technology, while sustaining connection across borders, can also fragment attention through constant, unexamined use.

The good news is that erosion happens slowly, and so does repair. Repair begins in the smallest units of daily life. Intimacy grows through small acts of kindness – what clinicians call responsiveness. These gestures deepen emotional attunement and foster safety. In many Indian homes, it’s common for a husband to walk ahead of his wife or start eating before she does. This isn’t just a traditional practice; it can reflect a deeper issue of emotional inequality in the relationship. Intentional gestures, however, send a wordless message: we are together, you matter.

Five clinically grounded practices can rebuild care: First, the 20-second reunion. When your partner enters a room, pause for a full 20 seconds. Make eye contact. Offer a touch. Second, practice specific gratitude – not a vague “thanks for everything” but one precise acknowledgment. Third, when family opinions intrude, respond as a unit. Statements like “We’ll talk it over and decide together” publicly signal solidarity. Four, rotate responsibility for communicating with extended family so emotional labour does not pool with one partner. A five-minute check-in after family interactions can prevent resentments from hardening. Five, make invisible labour visible. Designate weekly chores and shared responsibilities. Instead of waiting to be reminded, do one thing daily that you know your partner worries about.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and love shines true. Let’s be honest, romance matters. But it survives only when attention and presence are reliably offered. When love feels lonely, it is because one has been mistaken for the other.

The writer is an international psychologist, former professor, and writer on culture, cosmopolitanism, and global affairs.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are the author's own. They do not necessarily reflect the views of DH.