When Modiji, Trumpji join hands against Xi's virus

Here’s the thing

As the coronavirus death toll in America rose above 52,000 and the Indian economy tanked below half the “Hindu rate of growth”, the leaders of the world’s largest democracy and the world’s greatest democracy got together on phone, wanting to end the pandemic menace with one big move together before Xi Jinping took away the mantle of world leadership. Thus went the conversation:

Modiji: Hey, Donald buddy, they are saying you’ve destroyed America’s world leadership with your coronavirus response. How did you let so many people die of a bloody virus in the world’s greatest superpower?

Trumpji: Hey, Modi buddy, all this American leadership thing is nonsense. The whole world is just taking advantage of our generosity. You all are -- you, Xi, Putin, the damned Europeans, the cursed East Asians, everybody. And I’m changing all that. When I’m gone from the White House, they must remember only my leadership, not America’s. That’s my mission. But how are you doing? They’re saying you’ve destroyed the Indian economy and have sent millions of migrant workers into cramped camps. How did you manage to do that, all in the name of protecting them from the virus!

Modiji: Well, I too have been at it, at least since November 8, 2016. Thankfully nobody seems to remember. In fact, they keep coming back to me for more. Poor fellows have nowhere else to go. I’m the Supreme Leader. And when you are that, Donaldji, as you once said, “They let you do it. You can get away with anything.”

Trumpji: Hmmm…some months ago, you and Amit Bhai were looking for termites from Bangladesh to put in such camps, weren’t you? You seem to have succeeded in putting millions of them in. Great going.

Modiji: Donald buddy, this is just a sample of what we wanted to do when we were looking for termites. Unfortunately, we caught a virus, instead.

Trumpji: But no matter what we do out of our great love for our people, they don’t seem to be grateful at all. We must teach the fools a lesson.

Modiji: Donaldji, look, the way I teach them a lesson is different. You see, in India, there is a belief that people must always face severe calamity so that they remember God. Otherwise, they will forget him. Now, we are also like God, you and me. All powerful. So, we have to ensure that people do not forget us. Every once in a while, they must be reminded that there is someone above them. You must try demonetisation of the dollar once, you must impose a nation-wide lockdown and bring the economy to its knees. Once salary cuts, job cuts, industrial shut-downs, bankruptcies follow, they’ll know how powerful you are, they’ll come to you. They will beg you to do something, save them. And then, you must speak wise words to them. Tell the business leaders on LinkedIn what they don’t know – that the coronavirus does not differentiate between people on the basis of religion, caste, etc; tell the village sarpanches that the lesson they must learn from coronavirus is that India should become self-reliant…

Trumpji: I know, I know, but Modi buddy, I don’t have much time. We’ve got to do something so that I don’t lose the election.

Modiji: Don’t worry, I have a super plan. Look, you forgot to impose a lockdown but remembered to give the economic stimulus package. And I imposed the lockdown but forgot to announce the stimulus package (actually, I didn’t forget, but that’s another matter). So, why not combine our strengths to beat the coronavirus together? You will then surely win the election.

Trumpji: Sounds like a great idea. Two democracies coming together against the ‘Chinese virus’! How do you propose to do that?

Modiji: Haven’t you heard? Modi hain tho mumkin hain! Let’s hug each other and roll over the red carpet together and let my lockdown mix with your trillions of dollars. It will become a potent combination. Then we shall go before the world and issue a joint statement: “India and the US are together in this fight against the coronavirus.” And for once, we won’t even be lying!

Trumpji: That’s a huge idea, the greatest game-changer in history. Two world leaders hugging each other and rolling down the red carpet has never been done before. I need something to work myself up to do this. Any ideas?

Modiji: Donaldji, don’t act modest. You know what you need to do that. In fact, you gave the world this brilliant idea. Just inject a disinfectant into yourself and you will be in the right mood to do our little thing.

Trumpji: And you? How are you going to do it?

Modiji: I’ve been practising these postures for a long time. I’m ready. Come on, together, let’s beat the hell out of Xi!