No blame, no shame

Shasvathi Siva

When I announced the launch of my book on X (formerly, Twitter), I never expected the maelstrom of opinions it would unleash. A cacophony of hate messages came my way. Some labelled me a ‘house-breaker’ while some others accused me of tearing families apart by normalising divorce and making it a common phenomenon; some asked me to shut up, and a few others wanted to boycott the book. In my opinion, it is precisely these reactions that underscore the pressing need for a book like mine in today’s society.

Arguably, marriage, by design, is a patriarchal institution that has historically favoured men. So, when women stand up and assert their independence, it threatens the status quo. The mere mention of the word ‘divorce’ triggers a torrent of emotions, explanations, and judgements. This is where the stigma begins. We’ve all heard the well-intentioned advice: “Have a baby, stay together for the children,” or the assertion that “marriage is sacred, and divorce is a sin.” While marriage is considered to be a huge achievement for many, divorce is seen as the most shameful way a marriage could end. If you think this doesn’t exist in today’s society and we are talking about a bygone era, unfortunately, you’re wrong. It very much exists today, and it still is an extremely taboo topic.

When I made the choice to get a divorce, I encountered stigma even from close relatives. I vividly recall a conversation where a relative was recounting the difficulty of finding a suitable bride for a 50-year-old man in our family. After two decades of searching, they had reluctantly started considering divorcees as potential matches because they had “no other choice.”

“No other choice” — let that sink in.

Why is it not a choice?

That’s how divorced individuals are often perceived in our society. We become a last resort, a desperate option. The stigma metre spikes in such situations, revealing just how low the divorced are in society’s eyes, simply because they dared to exit a marriage that no longer served them.

If marriage is a choice, should divorce not be equally respected as a choice?

There’s a well-known saying, “A divorced daughter is better than a dead one.” Stigma manifests in countless ways for different individuals. During my research for the book, and in the 140-odd interviews I conducted, I heard stories of people enduring abuse in their marital homes but still being discouraged from returning to their parents due to societal pressure.

Others stopped receiving invitations to social events because of their divorced status. Some were shamed relentlessly for opting out of their marriages, and a few were even ostracised by their own families for their decisions. The truth is that the stigma runs deep, which leads to families not offering support to their own children. Marriage may be between two people, but a divorce almost always involves the entire family.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t brave men and women challenging the divorce stigma and making it just another life choice, irrespective of society’s judgement. I’m saying that none of this is easy. I’m divorced, yes, but I, like scores of others, don’t deserve to be shamed for it.

‘Oh, you’re a divorcee?’

When we describe someone’s marital status as ‘married’ or ‘single’, we refer to their current situation. ‘Divorcee’ on the other hand, signifies the past. This term is designed to name and shame, serving as a constant reminder that your decision to end a marriage is forever tethered to your identity. I personally find the term ‘divorcee’ repugnant, regressive, and you know what — unnecessary. It’s my way of taking a stand against the stigma. If I’m single, call me single. If I’m married, call me married. There’s no need to label me a ‘divorcee’.

But let me be unequivocal: divorce is not, I repeat, not a failure. It, instead, stands as a beacon of bravery and courage, a choice to prioritise one’s own well-being and happiness above all else. It is a simple yet strong message that one will no longer be confined by a situation that inflicts harm or unhappiness upon their life. It is a resounding step towards a brighter, more hopeful future. A divorce opens up our minds to so many newer things, with far more clarity. A divorce can change one’s mindset towards life in general, and I don’t say this lightly.

Not a hasty escape, nope!

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re standing at the crossroads of life, burdened by the weight of a crumbling marriage. In such a khichdi of emotions, the decision to divorce is far from a hasty escape; it is a calculated and painstakingly considered leap towards a life that potentially holds warmth, growth, and renewal. It is the recognition that one’s mental and emotional well-being deserves utmost priority. A therapist I interviewed shed light on how if somebody chooses to divorce despite knowing how society would treat them, it’s almost never an overnight decision. On the contrary, they probably spent hundreds of sleepless nights trying to navigate it. The legal process of a divorce is in itself challenging, now imagine going through all of that only to be faced with judgement from society for the rest of your life.

Divorce is the antithesis of failure; it is the manifestation of resilience in the face of adversity. It is a battle against the judgmental eyes of society. It is also a refusal to be defined by the expectations of others. In my interviews with divorced individuals, I have been blessed to hear tales of extraordinary courage and incredible spirit. There are some who have stared down the abyss of societal prejudice and truly emerged stronger on the other side.

Stories of divorce are not just tales of survival, they are narratives of revival.

Rekindle, restart

In the aftermath of divorce, people have discovered reservoirs of courage that they never knew existed within them. They have reclaimed their identities, transcending labels that society so often suffocates us with. It is not easy to stand up against a society like ours in India, and I have immense respect for every person who has managed to find a voice for themselves. I’ve had the privilege to speak to, and write about these people who have rekindled their passions, re-started life from scratch, pursued their dreams, and, most importantly, found happiness on their own terms.

A divorce is not a surrender, it’s the bold decision to rewrite one’s narrative and not be bound by the constraints of an unhappy marriage. It is the assertion that one’s happiness is a non-negotiable priority. In this journey called life, some chapters must come to an end, not as failures, but as transitions to new beginnings. It is a testament to our unyielding pursuit of happiness.

Badge of resilience

It’s not uncommon to think divorce is synonymous with failure. It is a societal stigma that has forced us to believe deeply that divorce equals failure. Instead, let us celebrate the courage it takes to make that life-altering decision. Like, actually celebrate it. If a marriage is reason enough to celebrate, let a divorce also be one. Divorce is something like a badge of resilience that I, and many others I know, wear with pride.

The journey towards normalising divorce is fraught with challenges, but it is a journey that we must undertake as a society. It begins with you and me. For me, it has begun with my book. But it cannot end there. Where marriage is spoken about, divorce shouldn’t be an uncomfortable topic. You don’t need to be divorced to have a conversation about divorce. It’s time to break free from the chains of stigma and embrace the reality that divorce is, indeed, normal. It is a choice, a personal journey, and a testament to our capacity for resilience and growth.

I’d like to reiterate that the decision to end a marriage should be met with understanding and empathy, not judgement and stigma. It’s time for society to evolve and recognise that divorce is a normal part of life for many individuals like me. I’m on a mission to squash outdated beliefs and embrace a more compassionate and accepting view of divorce. This empathy could help many others stuck in unhappy marriages, only because the weight of society’s judgements is too heavy for them to carry and they have no way out. Together, we can lessen the load.

I have written with the aim to shatter the stigma around divorce, celebrate stories of strength and courage, and also give hope to those feeling like the end of a marriage is the end of the world. So, let’s change the narrative and normalise divorce for what it truly is — a brave and transformative choice.

The writer is an author and a TEDx speaker. Her latest work ‘Divorce Is Normal’ was released by Penguin recently.