Kinship in silos

The relationship between parents and their grown-up children has always been fraught with some friction but changing lifestyles and values, the rise of social media and polarised political views have all recast the parent-child dynamic in urban India.

Popular culture can often shine a bright light on the changes in our social landscape. If you are on any sort of social media platform, you may have come across the viral ‘Aiyyo Shraddha’ videos. The digital content creator, Shraddha Jain, is a bit of a sensation on social media, thanks to her funny slice-of-life videos.

Many of these videos show the parents turning up their noses at their daughter for her ideas on work or lifestyle. The mother can be particularly scathing. In one video, she chides her daughter for not changing her surname on her Aadhaar card but spending time writing a caption on Instagram for a selfie. In another, the middle-class mother character mocks her daughter for switching on the geyser at odd times — a consequence of work-from-home.

Although these videos are a laugh riot, they also reveal the parent-adult children dynamic in these times. The relationship between parents and their grown-up children has always been fraught with some friction simply because of the very nature of the relationship. However, today, social norms and values are changing really fast and everything’s so fluid. The rise and rise of social media platforms and an increasingly polarised political situation have all contributed to the messy mix. Navigating the changes and maintaining a balanced relationship can mean hard work for both adult children and parents.

Says 43-year-old Sammy*, who is into teaching, “There have been differences of opinion over my choices, many times in the past. My parents have been concerned about my career moves, and worry if I’ll have a stable career. They are worried about my friendships, and choice of partners. Also, they are in denial about my queerness and asexuality.”

Another cause of friction in the parent-adult children relationships, especially in India, is when the younger generation chooses not to have children of their own. This may also lead to alienation from families. Sociologist G K Karanth, formerly with the Institute of Social and Economic Change (ISEC), Bengaluru, thinks that the new generation is already a growing ‘sans-sibling’ if not single-parent generation. He notes that the growing size of voluntary childlessness is more of a psycho-social phenomenon. “The pressures that the current younger generation have to deal with are so severe that they wouldn’t like to let anyone endure that ordeal. In that sense, the older generation has, perhaps, not been as effective as their own parents or wider society in projecting a valid rationale to support a meaningful purpose for progeny.”

Family WhatsApp group: The big culprit

The modern construct called the family WhatsApp group is often a reflection of all the stresses and strains that relationships come under. At a time like now, there is always ‘breaking’ news of some sort. Polarisation is no longer limited to TV debates, it has now made its way into our lives. Observes Sammy, “Our dining table discussions range from politics to religion and ideas of inclusivity. I try to reason out with my parents. But when they react, they do so cautiously. Many times, they are also indifferent.”

Also, an entire generation of Indians in the 60-70 age group, who may have never been familiar with using the Internet in their younger years, are now discovering it on their smartphones. They may have skipped using dial-up Internet and desktops but their primary consumption of content is now happening on their smart devices. They are all hooked to the now-all-too-familiar family WhatsApp group. From sharing forwards on religion to politics and all sorts of medical advice, they are now participants in what is now disparagingly called 'WhatsApp University'. Some of these forwards often don't go down too well with their children, many of whom leave such groups to maintain the peace. “I have quit such groups that engage in futile political debates,” says Sammy. Not all, though.

Nandini Vishwanath, who is in her late thirties, says there have been disagreements over politics, religion or sharing of forwards on the family WhatsApp group. “I haven't left the group at all. I continue to raise issues openly and they go quiet a lot of the time. Also, as a family, we've implicitly decided not to argue politics or disagreements over text. We talk it out face-to-face and now have come to the conclusion that we think differently and it's better they let us be and not force their opinions or views on us. We call out fake news and let them know it's fake. No forwards, fake or not, is a rule now in our family groups.”

Political views: Is there a common ground?

Anand Verma*, who is in his sixties, doesn’t find much of a common ground between him and his children on many aspects including political views. “They are indifferent to politics and more tuned into entertainment and reality shows.” That leaves little to bond over, he notes.

However, not in all cases do parents and children stay on different sides of the political divide. Sociologist G K Karanth observes: “If at all there is a generational divide, the younger lot are sick and tired of older and aged politicians, although currently they and parents may be supporting the same party.” The mismatch, he says, occurs “wherein the younger lot are either alienated from everyday politics or are greatly driven by jingoism. This, as opposed to moderate to excessive interest but not involvement in everyday politics by the older generation.”

“A decade or two earlier, there were certainly ideological grounds for a division between the two — young and old. In contemporary times there is very little ideology, but both seem to be driven by election-derived agenda,” he adds. He further notes that religious ideology seems to be a bridge rather than a divider but then that’s an emerging feature of jingoism.

Lifestyle choices matter

It’s not just differences over politics or the state of the nation that is causing friction. There are differences over lifestyle choices as well, including food habits. Anand, parent to two grown-up children, finds it amusing that the younger generation is always looking to order food or eat out. “I just don’t even get the names of some of the dishes they order,” he adds.

Then, there is the question of traditions. “Our children argue and ask us about the reasoning behind certain traditions and rituals," Anand says. “So, we have decided to just let them do whatever they want."

Gayathri, in her seventies, and mother to two children in their thirties, says, “When it comes to career, they should enjoy what they want to and be passionate. It’s the same with selecting their life partner. At the end of the day, it is their life. Basically, they should have strong faith in whatever they believe and stick to it till the end.”

Changing parenting styles

Every generation parents their children differently and this may also cause some friction. Today’s parenting styles differ simply because of the changing socio-economic conditions. Also, today’s parents have access to resources that an earlier generation may not have had. As Anand Verma observes, “When we raised our children, we just looked at the nearest school. Now, our children seek to send their kids to international schools. In fact, they choose a school even before the child is born.”

“We used to just let our children come back from school and play. Now everything is micromanaged, from screen time to studies. Even food habits are closely monitored, unlike when we were parents.”

Gayathri, a grandparent, says it is an individual’s choice to parent their kids the way they wish to. She adds that she doesn’t like to interfere with the way her children raise their kids.

Millennial and Gen-Z parents come across a barrage of information about parenting, be it on social media or through peer groups. There is often conflicting information, causing dilemmas among young parents over which style to adopt. It is hard to do spontaneous parenting at a time when there are community pages and threads dedicated to parenting or niche WhatsApp groups for new parents.

Nandini, a millennial parent, says, “Both sets of parents have understood our parenting styles better. We have our differences over some aspects. We are incredibly transparent and scientific while our parents’ style involves creating a reward-and-penalty kind of tactic. They also don’t agree with our agnostic parenting but haven't stopped us from doing so, to be fair to them,” she adds.

Nandini further explains, “We also have allowed them to spend a lot of time with our son and if they want to take him to a religious place of worship or teach him to pray, we don't stop them. We strongly believe our son will make his own decisions when he's ready to do so. But it's a big no-no when it comes to false exaggeration, racism, casteist conversations or any sexism.”

Setting boundaries

In scenarios where there are differences, how do children set boundaries? Nandini says, “Open conversations. Not always taken well. There's been a lot of emotional upheaval, crying on both sides. However, this has also taught me to give them the benefit of doubt and consider their generation, age and the pressure they face from their peers. As long as the intent is good, I think we've now come to a point in our relationships to be and let be.”

To be and let be is a very good rule to follow in any relationship and both parents and adult children may do well to recognise that.

The pandemic test

Relationships, in the best of times, come under a lot of push and pull but when a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic hits us, it gets harder. The parent-adult children relationship too was put under severe stress during the pandemic. If you were to check Twitter or other social media platforms during the waves of the pandemic, you would have found anxious children writing about their parents’ refusal to stay indoors or mask up. Some wondered why their fathers had to go to the bank or the post office during the pandemic. Sammy experienced similar anxieties. The 43-year-old says, “Staying at home was a nightmare for my dad. He would find new reasons every day to go out of the house. Masks used to be laughed at initially but later it became a habit. Stopping parents from attending social functions was another huge challenge.”

According to a study by Agewell Foundation, which was conducted in 2021, 52 per cent of the elderly respondents in the survey said their interpersonal relationships with family members, particularly their own children, had deteriorated because of lack of communication and differences in interests, among others. The survey was conducted among 5,000 elderly people across the country.

When the pandemic struck, many adult children moved back home and started working from home. This gave both parents and children a chance to understand each others’ days and the challenges involved. If it ushered in a sense of appreciation for each others’ roles, as it certainly would have in some instances at the least, it is a win for both.

(Some names have been changed on request)