Looking loneliness in the eye

Our urban existence with its multi-dimensional challenges has led to an upsurge in the experience of loneliness. The pandemic has only worsened matters, but this collective crisis can itself be enlisted to tackle this widespread problem mindfully.

In the last many months, through the time that we have been impacted by the pandemic, there has been a forced slowing down of the pace of things and the way in which we live our lives. Most of us have been pushed to take a step back to assess and evaluate the ways in which we have been engaging with our own selves, others around us and the environment, in a bid to determine where we are heading and the kind of lives we are creating for ourselves and for generations to come.

One of the biggest revelations during this period has been a heightened awareness of the kind of loneliness that has insidiously found its way into the urban way of living. This, beyond any doubt, calls for a need to find ways to bring about a change in our lifestyles and the value that is being attributed to certain elements of our lives which may not necessarily be as important as we think they are and worse, may not be contributing significantly towards the goals we hold in high regard.

Most importantly, what it does warrant is a need to start being more mindfully aware and engaged with the lives we are building. Continuing to live in a manner where we move from one thing to the next in an automatic fashion, without much care for planning or thinking through what the consequences might be and whether we are actually moving towards goals that are desirable in the long run, is an aspect that needs to be reconsidered.

The necessity of change

It is important to understand where the need for change emerges from. We increasingly know and understand that the large-scale experience of loneliness is mostly because of a growing sense of disconnect. This disconnect is both from our own selves as well as from our relationships. There is a constant movement we are engaged in. Though this movement feels purposeful, when we attempt to take stock of where it is leading us to, the answers do not necessarily come easily. As we ask ourselves questions about what do we really want, we realise that there is a greater need to look within and to look on the outside at our relationships and the sense of care and community we are building around us. The lack of satisfaction as we ask these questions would be palpably evident.

During this pandemic, we have each recognised the need to have strong support systems. We have also realised that we need to be able to find ways to be connected within our own selves in order to be well mentally, emotionally and psychologically in the absence of people around us. We have been pushed to see that we don’t necessarily need as much to live a good life or to build a life that is steeped in meaning and purpose. We have also been able to see that there is a strong need to take care of our own selves — the biggest thing we often neglect because there is always something that needs to be done or someone that needs to be attended to. The cost is more often than not the self and what holds meaning for the self when we keep moving in ways that are ignorant of our needs and what is happening within us and to us.

The pandemic has brought about a growing realisation that there needs to be a compassionate way of looking at the experiences we are having. Traditionally held notions of being strong and unfazed by situations are being questioned. We now know that we can each be vulnerable as we move through difficult situations and it is imperative that we allow ourselves to go through our experiences with a modicum of kindness and compassion.

Tips for a mindful urban living

The biggest transition that needs to be brought about is to move in the direction of mindful urban living. A larger awareness of what we are doing, how we are doing it, why we are doing it and what the next steps must be is critical to bring about greater meaning and purpose to existence. This is possible only if instead of living in the past or worrying about the future we find ways to be more engaged in the moment that we are in. Grounding yourself in what is going on around you and within you is imperative. To be able to more fully recognise what we truly need and what it is that would further heighten our experience of being connected, happy and content, we need to find ways to be more in the here and now.

In order to do so, there are some things we must need to bring into focus and actively work towards.

* Become aware of what goes on within: It is crucial to be more attuned with our own self before considering anything that needs to be looked at on the outside. We must pause and ask as we navigate our way through situations ‘What am I feeling?’, ‘Is this something that I truly desire?’, ‘How does it contribute to what I want in the long run?’, ‘Is it causing me to think certain things?’ Asking these and many other such questions will be the first step towards self-discovery which will guide us in the long run to the discovery of what truly inspires, drives and motivates us.

* Build acceptance of your thoughts and feelings: It is important that before anyone else, we each take the first steps towards being accepting of what we think and feel. It is only through arriving at an acceptance of the self and by understanding that we too are affected, influenced and impacted by situations, that we can take steps to not be rattled and hassled with what we are experiencing. This is what allows us to then construct ways of effectively responding to situations and ensures we can curtail being reactive towards what is going on.

*Understand the signs the body gives: We must work towards cultivating an understanding of what our body is telling us. Just the way our thoughts and feelings are two parameters of determining what goes on within us, our body too gives us signals. Through the different physiological signs, it also attempts to communicate to you what is going on within you in a given situation. Knowing and understanding this is important. At the same time, taking care of our physical selves by engaging in activities that help us relax, de-stress and unwind as well as directing our focus towards exercise, nutrition and sleep are crucial in the long run.

* Walk in your unique path: Every individual has their own trajectory in life and will go through their own experiences and transitions. Remembering this is very important in order to keep taking steps towards building the life we desire for ourselves. We need to ensure that we do not get lost in judging who we are, what we do and the life we have or constantly move about in a circular conversation in our mind about comparisons that happen with others. Being willing to accept the unique path our life has placed in front of us is an important skill. Embracing it so we can fully enjoy and revel in it is integral to the change we need.

* Slow down the pace: We all feel like we are in a race — to build that good life, to achieve more, to do more, to reach some goals. In a bid to constantly move towards something we feel is just around the corner we keep pushing ourselves. We don’t even realise how often we are just running but we might have in fact lost sight of the goals that we did have. New goals may be more beneficial but we don’t take the time out to reflect and understand whether that really is the case or not. Slowing down the pace at which we are moving is essential; it is this crucial step we often tend to forget about. In slowing down we can allow ourselves to become more fully aware of what our needs are and whether the ways in which we are looking to fulfil them would necessarily be successful or not.

Sweat the small stuff

We often tend to forget that mindful living can be extended into the smallest spaces and actions that tend to define our lives. As we move forward, it is essential that we make conscious and concerted attempts towards being mindful in the simplest of actions that define our lives to the most complex situations that do come along our way.

As you sit in an armchair, sip a cup of tea, look outside your window or listen to music, make an effort to ensure that you keep bringing yourself back into the here and now, into the moment that you are currently in. Do this as a practice to ground yourself in the present and to fully immerse yourself in your daily life to ensure that there is joy and happiness in what you do which would allow the feelings of loneliness to drift away as you feel content and connected through the smallest actions that you engage in.

Change is never easy and it takes a considerable duration of time to integrate it more fully into our ways of being and doing things. Being patient is the key to ensuring that we are able to take consistent steps in the direction of being more mindfully engaged in the lives we are living. Persistence is crucial as is being aware that there will be back and forth in how you are able to build and incorporate mindful urban living into your way of living life.

The writers are co-authors of the book 'Alone In The Crowd' on overcoming loneliness in urban living, recently published by Rupa Publications. Kamna Chhibber is a clinical psychologist and heads Mental Health, Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at a reputed multi-specialty hospital. Dr Samir Parikh is an eminent psychiatrist and Director of the Fortis National Mental Health Program.