The rainbow awaits

The pandemic has thrown up new challenges and difficulties for both parents and children. We explore how to steer through these uncharted waters.

Ever since the Coronavirus outbreak began, I’ve been having long family conversations with my husband and daughter,” says Samta Shikhar, mother of a 10-year-old and practitioner and teacher of dramatics for children. “The other day, for example, we were wondering if this
is the end of the world as we know it and our daughter interrupted me, saying: ‘No. Don’t say that. I haven’t lived my life.’ I asked her what she wants to do by growing up and she said, ‘I want to know the taste of coffee. And wine!’”

The pandemic has been harsh on parents and children, especially working parents. For working mothers, going to the office meant ensuring a clear demarcation between work and home. Separate spaces where they could function as themselves. Now everything is merging.

“This enmeshment of various parts of life is causing a lot of incongruence and confusion, for adults themselves and hence for children too,” says Meera Haran Alva, a well-known consultant psychologist and psychotherapist from Bengaluru. “Now that parents are working from home, they are also managing much of the household chores. A lot of households have done away with domestic helps, so everyone has their share of chores. Even so, invariably, the woman ends up doing more work than the others,” she adds.

Anxiety and confusion

It might be assumed that since parents are at home, children are getting more attention. However, in many cases, the opposite is true. “Being confined in our homes is an unnatural setup for us humans. So, there’s a lot of anxiety and preoccupation. Boundaries and schedules are in tatters. There are longer work hours, late night meetings and the constant fear of losing one’s job among many working parents. Many families are getting stretched financially. And then the actual fear of the virus is very much real. So while parents are there physically, they might not be present psychologically due to their stressful preoccupations. And this can confuse children,” Meera adds.

Speak and listen

“Children are much more smarter and receptive than we think. Parents’ expectation of them to be resilient, creative and have fun at home — all at once — is a lot to ask of a child in these
difficult circumstances. It’s crucial to see things from their perspective! They are unable to go to school, meet their friends or play in an open space. There is devastation, tragedy, death, everywhere; and our children are very aware of these losses. Families need to initiate and engage in some of these important conversations at home,” Meera says.

Having a designated time to engage in family conversations usually helps. Casually talk about the day and how each one is feeling. Share your own vulnerabilities with your family. And you will find that your children will also open up to you; and this act of opening up can provide a lot of strength. It can be over dinner, while playing board games, preparing evening tea or even while cooking. Families are in this together. Understanding this is the key.

“Allowing all emotions to flow is equally important,” Meera adds. “If your child is getting angry, don’t stop her from feeling frustrated. Let the child vent out her feelings. Listen to your child. What is it that they’re struggling with? And whatever those emotions are, welcome them. This itself can make a lot of difference. The same applies to your partners’ and elderlies at home. Keeping those channels open is very important.”

Impact on learning

I spoke to Riad Mahmood, Founder and Managing Trustee of Head Start Educational Academy. “During the first three months of the lockdown, schools were on holiday, so it really didn’t matter. Most schools were gearing up for the situation and building their online capabilities and pedagogies. Now that schools have been open for about two months, the impact on children’s overall development is yet to be seen. Their social development will be the most impacted. Yet perhaps, it is too early to tell.”

Manju Balasubramanyam, Principal of DPS, Bangalore North, agrees. “Schools are the opposite of social distancing. Schools are all about social interactions and connections, be it the morning assembly, the classrooms or the playgrounds. There are very few institutions where such a large number of people gather and function together. So, when the pandemic struck, schools were among the first to be shut and they will also be the last ones to open.” She adds, “However, educators are also the most optimistic people. We try to keep our chin up and work, because if we lose hope, then what message are we giving to our children?”

Real heroes

Besides doctors and health workers, educators too have proven their mettle as real heroes during the pandemic.

“Teachers always had this slight resistance towards adapting to technology. And this is something that you will see across all schools. But, just the realisation that schools are going to be closed for a long time made even the oldest and most tech-resistant teachers plunge into technology. A lot many of these teachers are women and they face the additional challenges of being stuck at home, managing household chores and family affairs,” Manju adds.

“One thing is clear. Children are missing school the most,” says Riad. “They are missing their friends, the in-person interaction and camaraderie, the sports, music, theatre and the classrooms. The whole process of gearing up, getting out of the house and going to school is extremely empowering for children. They enjoy that. It gives them a sense of responsibility and freedom,” he says.

Growing up in isolation?

“For students who have access to the Internet, independent learning is on the rise. Children are taking account of their own learning. Additionally, teachers are being forced to question their own practises. They are grappling with how to maintain a personalised connection with their learners — a vital part of the learning process,” says Riad. “Teachers play an important role. It is not just about a curriculum. There is a personal bond through which the teacher knows each child — their emotional needs and shares content based on individual learning styles. For many children, interacting with the screen and gadgets is not alien. Adaptability is not the challenge. Under the present circumstances, the challenge is to bring about a balance between synchronous and asynchronous learning. For us, there is also the deep realisation that nothing can replace face-to-face interaction and this could be a concern going forward. The bigger issue here is that children are growing up in isolation and that is not something we can ignore.”

Then there are real anxieties and worries, especially among older children. Manju adds, “Senior students of the 11th and 12th grades are especially anxious. The government has
said there will be a reduction in their curriculum, but who’s going to prepare them for the various entrance exams for their higher education?”

Now that the learning has shifted online, effects on children range from rapid adaptability of the Internet to mental fatigue and tiredness, to losing interest in learning altogether. A teacher in a physical classroom had an altogether different presence when compared to the one peering from a screen with deep surveilling eyes. Yet, learning over the Internet is the best option we have. And teachers are rising up to the challenge of making their classes interesting.

“Parents understand that if we were not teaching the children online, their children will still be on some device or the other. Either watching television or browsing the Internet or playing games. It is not about screen time, but what they do on the screen. In our school, we have
asked all subject teachers to hold one class every week when nothing academic is discussed. Just allowing students to open up and talk to the teacher and with each other reduces their stress,” Manju says.

What are the long-term effects?

Children are more resistant to the virus than adults, but their threat is more existential and long-term. Covid is going to affect the very process of growing up. Learning is going to be severely hit in smaller towns and rural areas where there is a dearth of the right gadgets, Internet, WiFi, electricity and other necessary infrastructure. This will certainly widen the rural-urban divide that already exists in India.

However, every child is affected in their own way and each child responds to crisis differently. “I see two or three changes in my daughter and niece, who I often take care of,” Samta says. “Firstly, because of no physical activity, their sleep and eating habits are affected. Earlier, they were exhausted by evening and went to bed by 8:30 pm. But now, that is not the case. Now they sleep at 11:30-12 in the night. This stressed me initially, but now I am trying not to worry too much about this. Secondly, there is also a heaviness and lethargy I notice in them. This has an emotional impact. So, I have started playing with them whenever I can,” she adds.

Self-care first

Meera gives the psychological perspective. “My advice to parents is to first take care of themselves. Ask yourself regularly: How am I doing emotionally? Do I need help? If I need help, who are the people I can reach out to? If there are older people in your family, have these conversations with them as well. Go for walks alone or find time to meditate. Find your space. If you are not helping yourself, you won’t be able to help others.”

“Secondly, re-negotiate family chores. Don’t burden one person disproportionately. I am especially concerned about women during these times. Everyone in the family needs to pitch in, so that one person doesn’t feel burdened. Restructure your routine around it. Men really need to pitch in here and in many households, they actually are doing so.”

“And finally, seek help if needed. I hear a lot of excuses like everyone is suffering and people are worse off than me, so why should I complain?” says Meera. “It’s a good thing that you have that perspective, but every suffering is real. So, if you find your child very moody or weeping a lot and if you feel you cannot help your child, seek help. Reach out to your immediate support system or seek professional help,” Meera concludes.