Why don’t you ask for a raise?” suggested the spouse. “Why should I have to?” she retorted. “Can’t they see me slogging my butt off at work?” And so the conversation ended. A couple of weeks ago, the heated discussion was on how everybody took her for granted. “Nobody calls me just to ask how my day has been.
It’s always because they need something…And you don’t even bother buying me gifts anymore,” she ranted. “But I was going to buy you that diamond necklace the other day,” the spouse tried to reason. “You are the one who said it’s a waste of money.” A silent war ensued.
It’s not easy being a woman. The world refuses to pay heed to our desires and
demands. Despite everything we do — all the multi-tasking, sacrificing, excelling, loving, forgiving — nobody bothers to figure out what we want. Not our parents, not our spouses, not our children, not our friends, not our family, not our bosses, not our colleagues, nobody.
The curious case
In their compelling book, Women Don’t Ask, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever contend that most women just don’t ask for what they want. And before all the married men start rolling their eyes, complaining is not asking. Think of it: How many times have you heard a woman express what she wants, loud and clear, without any preludes or justifications? Most women, consciously or unconsciously, are afraid that they’ll damage a relationship, or be labelled arrogant and self-centred.
“We are wired differently. Unlike men, who can ask for the fifth cup of coffee, or some alone time at home, without any hesitation, women’s minds work overtime and think of all the worst-case scenarios put together,” says Aparna, a self-confessed ‘miss goody two shoes’.
“Good girls are supposed to think of others before themselves,” offers Shalini, without a trace of sarcasm. “Even if you aren’t such a good person, you need to live up to the image. Women, even young girls, are supposed to be more emotional, mature and understanding,” she adds.
As Linda and Sara put it, most women work hard at “collecting stars” — that is, being deserving of what they want so that others will give them what they need without them ever having to ask. “If I’ve to ask for it, what’s the point?” is the common refrain. So, women will huff and puff about how everyone else is taking a vacation, or getting a promotion, without simply saying that they want one. The inception of the idea needs to take place in the other’s mind. “You’ve been working so hard. You deserve a vacation (or a promotion),” someone needs to say.
In other words, as a colleague puts it, women learn to “suggest” rather than ask. Say she wants a platinum ring. A smart lady will sigh to her significant other about how gold doesn’t quite suit her complexion. Perhaps, she should try platinum sometime. Maybe, someday, someone will gift her one, she’ll wish audibly. It takes an exceptional (or well-trained) man to be able to read between the lines. Mind reading is, sadly, not everybody’s cup of tea. There’s many a slip…
Whose loss?
For every one person who gets the woman’s intended hint, there are at least a hundred who simply don’t. Women Don’t Ask mentions a revealing study of starting salaries for masters’ level students; the salaries were $4,000 higher on an average for males than females. Only seven per cent of the females compared with 57 per cent of the males had asked for more money. The results are likely to be similar in other areas of life as well.
As women, we need to realise that in our failure to effectively negotiate for what we want, we are the ones who ultimately lose out. Only when that realisation dawns will we be honest enough to address the real issue.
Shalini is making a conscious effort to unlearn the lessons of three decades of life. “At the risk of coming across as shameless or selfish, I have started to ask for what I want — from innocuous things like my share of the ice cream in the family pack to dedicated time to pursue my hobbies,” says the mother of two, who is now less hesitant to ask for help when it comes to looking after the kids. And to her pleasant surprise, the results have been wonderful. “I think my husband was a bit shocked initially, but once we spoke it out, things are much better. The atmosphere at home is a lot more relaxed. We have our juggling dilemmas and sometimes I do miss the mind games, but this is definitely a better way to live,” she avers.
To all the sceptics out there, give it a try. The next time you want something, ask for it. What’s the worst that can happen? To tweak a popular saying, it’s better to have asked and lost, than not to have asked at all.
Five things she won’t say
Sure, there are men who aren’t comfortable asking their boss for a raise. But the numbers are about four times higher in the case of women, say studies.
Everybody needs some me-time. Whether it entails lazing around at home or going to a spa for a pampering session, most women feel guilty about the indulgence.
Raising a child is no mean task, yet most women hesitate to ask for help. The most common wish is, perhaps, that the spouse, family or friends extend help, without the need for asking.
As much as multi-tasking is supposed to be their forte, majority of women (especially the married ones) complain that they seldom get undivided attention. It’s something that makes one feel valuable.
At the risk of sounding clichéd, most women like the idea of romance. No matter what
her age, she likes to be told that she’s beautiful, that she makes life wonderful. And it’s always better if she doesn’t have to fish for compliments.
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