Free to be herself

Widowhood is no longer a sealed fate for Indian women, as they are learning to take control of their lives and create the identity they deserve. But we have a long way to go, reckons Vimla Patil

The news that the ostracised widows of Vrindavan and Varanasi were indeed ‘granted permission’ to meet the prime minister as their ‘brother from Varanasi’, to tie the rakhi on his wrist and seek ‘a better space’ for them, yet again highlights the pitiable condition of widows in orthodox India.

They are considered an ‘ill omen’, a burden to the family, and worse still, sexual objects for the men of the family, if they happen to be young! There are innumerable instances where a widow is raped, impregnated and then left at an ashram by her husband’s family.

Our country may be progressing faster than ever before and innumerable laws may have been made to give women the rights of financial independence, education, property ownership, choice of decision-making in life and a guarantee of personal safety, but the status of widows, apparently, has changed only marginally. 

These widows of Varanasi and Vrindavan, come from various ashrams, where a thousand more, like them, live a life of anonymity, penury and ostracisation. Reports say that most of the widows abandoned in these holy towns come from north India or Bengal and earn a poor living by begging or doing small time work in the many temples around.

The treatment meted out to them – and the lack of the government’s will to change their destiny by education – has been a blot on the persona of India for centuries. This is perhaps the first time they have shown such courage and demanded to meet the prime minister and seek his help to change their future and support their defiance of oppressive customs! 

While there might be that fair few urban women, in metro cities across the country, who are not only financially independent but also in full control of their own domestic and professional lives, there are also women whose lives are dictated by patriarchal setup, even in urban areas. Vidya Nangia, who belongs to the business echelon of Mumbai’s society, became a widow a few months ago.

She says, matter-of-factly, “I had served my husband during his illness, never leaving his side. I had stood by him all his life and obeyed every wish that he expressed. Women in our families have a strict code of behaviour, and I willingly abided by it. There was always control on how I dressed, when and where I went, how late I stayed out and who I met. I covered my head, wore saris and jewellery and did all household chores required of me.”

Vidya confides, “Somehow, with his passing, a new era seemed to open up for me. I joined a discussion group of women like me and that changed my life completely. Now I wear designer salwar kameez or sarees and make my own decisions. My friends say I now look brighter and ready for a new life.” 

For urban women, widowhood seems to teach them to get a life of their own. Sangeeta, whose husband passed away after his business was divided, thanks to family disputes, suffered his depression concurrently with him.

She didn’t dare leave him, lest he fall or hurt himself. “He would not leave the house even for a drive,” she recollects, “It was like my hands and feet were tied up; I was begging of him all day long to go on a short outing. He would not speak or communicate in any way. He was mentally dead. When he passed away, my children , who live abroad, came and told me to get out of the situation by doing what I liked.” 

Today, three months into widowhood, Sangeeta is attending and organising seminars and workshops for women, going to music concerts and enjoying being responsible only to herself. “While I grieve for my husband and remember him fondly, this time of my life is an opportunity for me to develop my ‘self’ in the way I want. Finally, I am in my own space and I am slowly beginning to enjoy it,” she says.

Be it due to social stigma in rural spaces or prevailing patriarchal traditions in urban spaces, widowhood had so far managed to keep Indian women from gaining their sense of self and identity. However, times are changing and widowed women - rural and urban alike - are learning to take their lives into their own hands and thankfully, their families too are changing for the better.

In fact, the new-age children seem to be the biggest ray of sunshine in every woman’s life, as they strongly believe their mothers have a right to social freedom and identity.

I believe that the following changes have been fuelling this positive development:

* Recognition of rights of the girl child. 

* Free education for every girl child. * Financial education and independence for young women.

* Removal of orthodox restrictions and silly superstitions.

* Grant of social freedom to girls. 

* Attempts at gender equality in the professional sphere.

Well, let’s just resolve that we, as a society, continue to promote these factors. The key factor for change in women’s life, unarguably, is the financial independence and freedom to follow their mind.

Nobel Prize winner Pearl Buck put it more emphatically than any other: “Women’s emancipation depends upon only one action – give every woman her own bank account and see what she can achieve!”