A loss like that...

The grief of having to deal with losing a loved one is made worse by having to face the fact that they lost the person to suicide and the stigma that follows, explains Dr Manoj Sharma.

In the first part of this series, we explored how suicide can be prevented by reaching out to someone who is likely to attempt it. While suicide can be prevented, the fact is that it is more common than we think.

 As per official reports from National Crime Records Bureau, Ministry of Home Affairs, Government of India, 1,34,799 people lost their lives in a suicidal act in 2013.

For families, losing someone to suicide is a double blow: the grief of having to deal with losing a loved one is made worse by having to face the fact that they lost that person to suicide and the stigma that follows. 

Emotional roller-coaster

n The bereaved family may struggle to come to terms with overwhelming emotions. These emotions need to be dealt with for healing to begin. The most common reaction is one of shock. This may be accompanied by physical or emotional numbness.

 n Another common grief response is anger: either the expression or the suppression of anger at the loss. They may direct their anger at the person who committed suicide, at themselves, at another friend or a family member.

n After the initial shock passes, the family members start exploring the reasons for the suicide, what clues they may have missed, and what they should have done to prevent it. They may blame themselves for things they said (or didn’t say), for their failure to express love or concern, for the things they planned to do but never got around to doing; anything could trigger off this self-blame. They may also feel afraid: what if another member of the family attempts suicide?

These strong emotions may lead to depression, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, fatigue, and inability to enjoy any activities. Most of these feelings diminish over time, though some residual feelings may never truly go away – the experience varies from person to person. And at times, some questions may remain forever unanswered.

Moving on to heal

* If you’ve lost someone to suicide, acknowledge that the emotions you’re feeling are perfectly normal reactions to grief. Give yourself the time to find answers, but try to move on if you don’t find enough information. 

*Stay connected with your family. This is particularly important after the suicide of a loved one. Speak openly about your feelings, and how you are dealing with the pain. 

*Ask for help if you need it. Children need special attention to deal with the emotions they are facing. Spend time with them. Reassure them that you still love them, and will always be there for them. 

* Birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions can be particularly stressful. Plan your schedule so you can be engaged in some activity alone or with loved ones, during these times. 

* Be patient with yourself and other family members. All of us process grief and loss in our own way, and at our own pace. Don’t expect the healing to happen within a prescribed time. 

n Most importantly, seek the help of a professional if you’re simply unable to move on. Taking care of your own physical and emotional wellbeing can help you heal better and help your family too. 

The talk

 Speaking to a person who has been bereaved by suicide may be confusing and awkward. What do you say? How can you let them know that you care? How can you help?  n Don’t investigate or ask for details. Don’t use statements like “It must have been his fate” or “I am sure she is in a better place now, don’t worry.” Don’t judge them for not being able to help or save their loved one.

n Don’t be afraid of asking the family how they feel. This question can open up a conversation that can help them express their emotions, which is an important part of coping with loss. Don’t assume that they have enough family and friends to take care of them; they may still need your support to overcome the pain. n If you are at a loss for words and can’t say anything, be honest and tell them that. A good way to begin the conversation would be to ask how they are feeling. Give them an empathetic ear. They may be angry. Understand that the anger is caused by their loss; please, don’t take it personally.

n Tell the person that you care for them and ask what kind of support they would appreciate during these testing times. 

Offer practical help: cooking a meal for them, taking the dog for a walk, or helping with the grocery shopping.

n They may suffer from depression. Try to keep them engaged, or offer to involve them in activities they may like. Keep extending the invitations, even if they refuse – it will let them know that you are there for them. Keep track of how they are feeling and coping. If need be, suggest that they contact a professional to help them heal.

(The writer is associate professor department of clinical psychology, NIMHANS, and the article has been curated by White Swan Foundation for Mental Health)