The homely bride

POPULAR CHOICE

As much as they may ogle at the smart, sassy ladies at work, when it comes to finding a bride, the operative word remains ‘homely’, after fair and slim, of course, discerns Jisha Krishnan

It’s hard not to eavesdrop on a bunch of young ladies at the next table taking turns in bashing a recently married Bollywood star for “being such a typical man”. This wasn’t about heartbreak in the romantic sense; I doubt any of them had posters of Shahid Kapoor in their bedroom, yet they felt betrayed. “So, you go around having affairs with all these successful actresses, independent, career women, and then, when it’s time to marry, you pick a kid just out of college,” lamented one of the ladies, perhaps in her late 20s. The group nodded in agreement. Some were visibly irritated, others bitter.

In all fairness, it’s possible that the 34-year-old actor just fell in love with a regular 21-year-old college girl, he met at a satsang. But this really wasn’t about him. It was about all those Indian men (and their families) in the marriage market looking for fair, slim, homely brides. Take a look at any of the matrimonial sites and you’ll know they are everywhere. Some are rather business-like in stating their expectations, while others are more subtle. So, they may be fine with a working woman for a bride, but she has to be “family-oriented” or something to that effect.

In other words, there are few takers in the Indian matrimonial scenario for women who have strong professional aspirations. Say you are a 28-year-oldmedia professional with a jet-setting career, what are your chances of finding a suitable groom in the arranged marriage setup? “Very grim,” says Megha. After having her profile uploaded on numerous matrimonial sites about a year go, she is yet to find a “decent prospective partner”.

The problem, Megha believes, lies in the differences in expectations. While most urban, working women today are looking for a partner, who understands them and stands by them (they can pay their own bills, thank you), a majority of Indian men still look at a wife as someone who manages the home and hearth – that’s the core job description, everything else is pretty much negotiable.

Domesticated damsels

Prerna Sharma, a 29-year-old scientist who was recently featured in Forbes India’s ‘30 under 30’ list, raised a very pertinent question when she asked, “It’s common for a wife to accompany her husband abroad while he does his research. But how many men will pause their careers to play second-fiddle to their wives?” It’s hardly surprising then that so many women scientists – and professionals in other fields too - fall “out of the pipeline” because of matrimony and its many duties. 

The juggling, compromises, tugs of wars in a marriage can get tiring. Perhaps that’s why men prefer “homely” women. Someone who’ll be waiting at home, with a smile, when the husband returns after a hard day at work; someone who’ll anticipate that the husband is in the mood for some bhindi masala with phulkas, along with the regular rasam rice; someone who’ll appreciate the fact that by getting married, she is not just responsible and answerable to one man, but to his entire family.

“My mother did all that and a lot more...and my parents have had a rather happy marriage,” says Pranil, as he tries to explain his preference for a “working, but traditional” bride. Given today’s escalating cost of living, he is okay with his future wife contributing to the family purse, but her priority has to be their home. “I know it doesn’t sound nice, but how else do you make it work? If both of us are caught in the corporate race, it’ll be a disaster, especially once we have children. Have you seen the number of failed marriages around us?” reasons the 30-year-old marketing professional.

It’s a reasoning that finds resonance with a lot of men as well as women. It doesn’t matter if you are financially well-to-do, with an array of domestic help at your beck and call; when your son gets home his bride, she better know how to run the household. It’s of little consequence that the bride in question is a former Miss World and popular actor, with a fat bank balance. In case you haven’t guessed yet, we are talking about Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. In a television interview a couple of years ago, mom-in-law Jaya Bachchan seemed most impressed by how “domesticated” the blue-eyed beauty was!

“They all, basically, want the same thing,” maintains Megha. The ones who go in for the love marriage route, discover the “ugly truth” a bit later, while in an arranged marriage chances are that the cards have been laid on the table upfront. “So, what really is the choice?” she asks.

Well, you can certainly choose to rue about the unfairness of it all in a coffee shop with a bunch of gal pals. You can crack crass jokes about “mama’s boys”, spew venom against the ex who finally got hitched with a conservative girl from his community, avow to remain single for the rest of your life. “Or, may be, marry a foreigner who realises that homely actually means plain and unattractive. It’s not really a compliment, you know,” as one of the ladies at the adjacent table so animatedly put it.

(Some names have been changed to protect their identity.)