A gnawing gap

Moving apart

Teenage is a crucial age for the development of a child. The level of emotions,  trust and understanding plays a vital role growing up. Parents find it a challenge to deal with this new side of their children, which often leads to a communication gap between them.              

 “Teenage is often said to be the age of expressing emotions. Children sometimes tend to believe that parents don’t like them, as they always see an angry parent. That’s when they trust their friends more and seek freedom from their parents,” says Hiya Roy, a lecturer at Jyoti Nivas College and a Clinical Psychologist.

 However difficult it may be, it is always wise to talk to children openly In the long run, this can help a child grow more secure and trust better. The communication gap between a teenager and their parents, has always been a topic of discussion and a hard one to solve.

 Hiya points out that this leads to unwanted friendships and relationships. “They lean more towards people where they find love and attention.” Highlighting the fact that whatever is felt should be communicated immediately — ‘no one understands me’ — is a common statement that a teenager expresses.

 Communication is an important aspect in any relationship and failing to do so widens the gap.  However, it is not hard to prevent this. Due to the stress and strain of modern living, these differences worsen in some cases.

 Dr Sulata Shenoy, Director ‘Turning Point’ Centre for Psychological Assessments, Therapies and Counseling says, “It is wise to accept this as being a natural process and see things from each others’ perspectives and not pressurise the other to accept one’s point of view. Parents often compel their children to conform to their own judgement of how children should behave, dress, study, socialise, etc.”

  “There is also a widespread apprehension about the possible distractions and
misfortunes fuelled by media and living up to the expectations from their family,
friends and colleagues make parents feel over anxious, critical and overwhelmed,” she adds.

 She advises parents to not compare their children or siblings, as this may lead to a rebellious behaviour. “Being patient and trying to see things from the child’s point of view is a good way to bridge the gap. Focussing on real values and empowering teenagers in wise decisions make for a good future. Take time to understand your teen, their friends and choices,” she details. 

Agreeing that time is one of the important factors for a healthy relationship is Preethi Madhu, a mother of a 16-year-old daughter, Ananya. Being a working mother, she has many things to balance. “The time and patience I have to listen to my daughter is less,” she says. “Children of her age want to talk and share, but sometimes I either don’t agree or take the time to understand. So the issue is not with them, it is with us. We are a generation caught in between as my parents never believed in talking or sharing,” she adds.

 So how does she try to bridge the gap? “My husband and I take turns to talk to her and listen to what she has to say, and she knows that she can talk to us about anything. Sometimes, when I am unreasonable, I apologise to her,” she says.

 Ananya sometimes becomes very demanding, that’s a problem that Preethi can’t deal with very effectively. Recalling her own teenage days, she says, “I could only ask and not demand, parents were the one’s to decide. But today’s generation is demanding. I try to reason with her and sometimes it works and we eventually figure it out, but it is not always a smooth journey.”