Telltale signs of emotional abuse

There's a growing awareness around the signs of coercive control – the emotional and psychological abuse of a partner, through threats and restrictions, as well as physical violence.

It also leads to a number of questions, where people in unhappy relationships may start to wonder whether their partner’s behaviour falls under emotional abuse.

We  asked Polly Neate, chief executive of UK-based domestic violence charity Women’s Aid, to explain what constitutes coercive control – and where the line falls in any relationship.

 It’s more than just one argument

Emotional abuse happens over a sustained period of time, where the perpetrator repeatedly controls their victim.

“When we are talking about domestic violence it’s not the case that one argument crosses the line and it becomes an abusive relationship,” explains Polly Neate. “It’s a pattern in the relationship, where one partner is controlling and there's an ongoing sense of fear.”

 Abusers want to cause fear

“With domestic violence, (usually male) partners behave in a way that’s designed to intimidate, frighten or coerce their victim's behaviour,” says Polly.

When a victim is frightened of their partner and treads on eggshells out of fear of their reaction, that’s a problem. It’s abuse if you feel frightened of your partner and you’re worrying about the consequences of what might be relatively minor things. If he gets angry at the slightest thing. If you have to do every thing his way. If you’re worried and feel like your behaviour will 'set him off'.”

 The small things count

Polly gives an example, where a man told his partner that she had to wrap cheese in a certain way before putting it in the fridge. If she did it wrong, he would scream at her. “We all have funny little things like that. But the point is she was frightened of his response,” she explains. “He didn’t hit her, but she knew he would see it as a sign that she didn’t love him and she was trying to wind him up.”

 A one-way street

In a healthy relationship, there is equality and both partners understand each other’s needs.
But abusers will not think about their partner, and generally put themselves first. “It doesn’t go the other way,” says Polly. “There’s no consideration that you’re upset.

“Perpetrators of domestic violence do it because they feel entitled to behave that way. They think their partner is there to meet to their needs and they’re entitled to take whatever they want.”

 Nothing ever happened

Gas lighting is when someone exhibits abusive behaviour and then pretends it didn’t happen – or even switches blame on to the victim. It’s also common among psychological abusers.

“It can be very confusing,” says Polly. “It can cause serious problems when a woman starts to doubt herself. It takes a woman a long time to recognise that the nice behaviour and abusive behaviour are both a conscious decision on the behalf of the perpetrator.”

 Unhappiness doesn't matter

In a healthy relationship, if one person tells their partner just how unhappy they are with their behaviour, they may be upset, annoyed or both. But they will eventually get over it.
Polly explains, “An abuser is unwilling to listen to you and will often minimise what has happened.”

 Controlling in many ways

Polly explains that control is a significant factor in psychological abuse, and a perpetrator can exact it in a number of ways, such as not letting their partner go out or visit friends and family.

It can also be financial, with a perpetrator controlling their victim’s money, or it can be a case of the abuser not wanting to ever socialise. Control can also extend to the online realm –with tracking or hacking the partner’s email and social media accounts.

 Personal attacks

There doesn’t have to be any physical violence for someone to be guilty of domestic abuse. Often it can simply involve words, where a perpetrator might make comments designed to emotionally manipulate his victim.

Polly says: “It’s abuse if he or she puts you down and tells you you’re stupid and unattractive, that no one else will love you. Even if it seems to be done kindly.”