Best buddy ever

If someone asks me who my best friend is, I’d have no problem in instantly replying, “My TV, of course!” Many people may scoff at my answer. “TV is the idiot box,” some say with contempt. “It is the opiate of the masses,” others sniff disdainfully. Well, let me defend my answer.

The magic box entered my life in 1985. We hit it off instantly. What was not to like? Before television, life was blah, frankly speaking. Horrors, we had to use our own imagination to amuse ourselves. Holidays were the pits. We would actually follow ant lines and watch rain. When we got together with friends or cousins, we’d play board or outdoor games. Sometimes we were creative enough to put up plays of our own. Some of us even learned some skills. God knows what else I might have learned, but luckily, TV stepped in and saved me from using all my talents.

So how has TV changed our lives, you ask? For one, it has taken us to the sports arena, where we can watch all kinds of sports and games without leaving the comfort of our couches. Thus it saves us the trouble of playing games and sports ourselves. Just think of the hard work and sweat... yeesh! Now all we have to do is wash our hands — to take off the salt and masala from the snacks we eat while watching. Now, isn’t that more civilised?

Television has taken us places. See, I can travel to any place in the world on TV, while in reality, a three-day trip to just one destination would not only swallow my entire life-savings, but also force me to put half my possessions on Quikr. I can even enhance my viewing experience by eating the appropriate snack — dates for deserts, pastries for European countries, noodles for Asian programmes and chips for... well, chips go with any place.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. We become highly dangerous when we watch a lot of TV. Thanks to it, we have half-baked knowledge and can discuss any subject for about 10 seconds, which is five seconds more than the prevalent attention span, so we can come off looking smart. Isn’t that what we want?

And, TV has brought people together. Yes, I’m serious. In the old days, the family gathered around the dinner table; today it gathers around the television. As for the nation itself, if you had been around when Ramayan and Mahabharat hit the small screen, you’d have seen the entire India practically grind to a halt on Sundays at 11 am. Teleserials like Kyun khi saas bhi kabhi bahu thi further cemented the bond, and reality shows like Bigg Boss have clinched it. Give us an emotional tear-jerker, roller-coaster, clichéd storyline and we’ll all watch it, live it and discuss it, far more than the other so-called important issues like women’s safety, the future of our children, etc. Hey, we know what’s important, okay?

Television has also provided us with perfect companionship: it requires nothing but our brains and our time, it doesn’t talk back, and is always there for us. Can you name one person who will do that for us?

TV is the perfect babysitter for infants under one and adults over 40. (Don’t try this with 2- to 40-year-olds. To them, TV is so yesterday — they are hooked on the cell phone and internet.) It single-handedly sustains the snack and fast food industry. And it is the perfect time sink that allows you to live in 12-minute slots.

Now, I really must go. My TV is calling me. And I know you want to go too, for the same reasons. Don’t you?