You cannot control another person’s thoughts, behaviour, preferences, or beliefs.
Illustration photos.
By Maullika Sharma
Are you getting agitated during your work or school commute because your cab driver is moving too slowly? Or because every traffic signal seems to stop you for an eternity? Or perhaps the cab needs to refuel, costing you a precious five minutes? Pause for a moment and ask yourself: Can I shift my focus to what I can control?
Do you feel anxious before meeting someone new, maybe during an interview, wondering what they will think of you or how they will judge you? Does that anxiety sometimes make you want to avoid new interactions at work or college altogether? Pause again and ask: Can I shift my focus to what I can control?
Are you someone who thrives on planning and structure? Do the uncertainties of work, the country, or the world leave you feeling overwhelmed? Does a sudden change in plans throw you off balance? Once more, check in with yourself: Can I shift my focus to what I can control?
So, what can you control in any situation?
Your thoughts, attitude, actions, and effort. That’s it. Everything else—external circumstances, other people’s behaviour, their abilities or preferences, the weather, traffic, geopolitics—is beyond your control, not just for you, but for everyone.
Yet, we often make the mistake of focusing on what is outside our control. You cannot control another person’s thoughts, behaviour, preferences, or beliefs. But you can control how you respond, how you interpret events, and how much you allow them to affect you. And the more you focus on what you can control, the more empowered and grounded you’ll feel—regardless of what’s happening around you.
How can you build the habit of focusing on what you can control
Stay present. Avoid ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Be in the moment. Practising mindfulness—like focusing on your breath—can help quiet unhelpful thoughts.
Notice your thoughts. Become aware of what you're thinking and how those thoughts are influencing your emotions.
Pause and reflect. Ask yourself: What is within my control in this situation?
Make a list. Write down the “controllables” and “uncontrollables”. Use pen and paper—this slower, more deliberate process helps you focus and retain what you’re writing.
Take action. Decide how you want to respond to what you can control. Set goals, prioritise tasks, or create a “to-do” or “to-be” list.
Channel your effort. Focus your energy only on what’s within your control. This may require unlearning old habits and making mistakes along the way—but clarity makes the journey easier.
Be kind to yourself. Growth takes time. Treat yourself with compassion as you build this new way of being.
Let’s revisit the cab ride example.
Instead of getting frustrated with the slow driver, consider what’s within your control.
Focus your mind on the present moment. Take a few deep breaths.
Recognise your distressing thoughts.
Decide how to minimise the impact of your delayed arrival. Prioritise and act on this.
What do you want to do to utilise your increased time in the cab more productively, if anything?
Do you need to inform your destination about your delayed arrival?
Try to reframe the situation—perhaps this slower ride will give you a few extra minutes to rest and recharge.
To use a popular term, take a chill pill!
Rather than being controlled by what you cannot control, choose to take charge of what you can control. Remember the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
(The writer is a counsellor and wellness coach who works with adolescents and adults)