Your child's virtual world escapade may have a real-world motive

Dear Madam,

I am a 13-year-old student. My father is abroad while my mother is unable to dedicate time to me due to her work that involves late evening shifts. I understand my parents' career compulsions, yet I feel sad when everyone talks about their own parents and how they help them in their studies. What should I do to cope with this?

Rina R

Dear Rina,

I understand how this may be upsetting you. Have your tried expressing how you feel to your mother about this? Sometimes we keep things to ourselves and assume the other person knows how we feel. It is important that you communicate this to both your parents. Maybe you will be able to work out a solution that may work for all of you. It is also important to remember not to compare one’s situation with others, but rather to focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have. Keep the focus on what is going right in your life. Maintain a gratitude journal where every day you take stock of what went well that day. This will train your mind to focus on what is going well (even though sometimes it appears like nothing is.) All the best!

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Dear Madam,

My son, aged 14, is not interested in reading. He watches YouTube, Instagram and other video stuff all the time. When it comes to studying it is very difficult for me to make him sit and study for exams. His written language is also poor and colloquial, with a lot of spelling mistakes. What is the solution to this problem?

Mamata M

Dear Mamata,

At some point, he has to find his own motivation and take responsibility for his own effort and results. It is not about you making him sit and study because you need him to study. He should study because he feels the need to study. A lot of youngsters these days are immersing themselves in the virtual world. It is good to try and understand, and help them understand, the importance of increasing their presence in the real world, away from the virtual world. Often the virtual world is an easy place to escape to. What does he need to escape from? That may be a good starting point for you and him to try and understand. It may not be possible for you to have these conversations with him without judgment, and without your anxiety interfering. So, it may be helpful to rely on a counsellor to help him understand his behaviour and find his motivation.

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Dear Madam,

My daughter is extremely talented, with a gifted voice and dance skills. She quit her dance and music classes while they were being conducted online during the pandemic. I thought it was a temporary loss of interest, but now she is not ready to get back to it at all. I feel she should hone her skills and get extra qualifications that will be of some use in life sometime later. What is your suggestion?

Pratima Ramanna

Dear Pratima,

Please let your child decide what she wants to focus on. She should learn music and dance if she loves it and finds it interesting. If not, she should have the freedom to drop it. Sometimes if we make a pleasurable activity about performance and put pressure on doing it at some level and gaining a “qualification” which will be helpful, the joy gets sucked out of it. Performance anxiety takes over. It may be good to try and understand why she does not want to get back to it. And respect her choice. Everyone needs a sense of control over their own life.

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Dear Madam,

My 15-year-old son watches dangerous content on Netflix. Recently I caught him watching a show which revolves around suicide, and has drugs, alcohol, smoking, sexual content etc. What is the best way to deal with this?

Sadiq K

Dear Sadiq,

It is worrisome when children get exposed to “dangerous” content of all kinds. The biggest thing we can do to mitigate the risks associated with the content influencing their mind is to have proactive conversations around the topics that are being watched/discussed. Put the topic on the table and out in the open, and have open non-judgmental conversations that allow you to understand what the child is communicating, and say what you want to communicate. Listen actively to what is being said, and not said. Listen to learn and understand — not only to respond. There is no substitute for healthy communication with our children. Give it an honest attempt. And if your child ever indicates a risk of self-harm, please ensure you do not brush it under the carpet. Instead, get him the mental health support needed immediately.

(The author is an MBA graduate with a specialisation in counselling)

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