Roka, not the only social evil

Giving gifts, or what they call lena dena, has been a part of Indian weddings for generations. Most of the rituals and ceremonies that are held during the weddings involve the exchange of gifts and money between families of the bride and groom.

However, this exchange has been a reason of disputes and arguments between both the families and many failed marriages.

In a recent divorce case that came into limelight, Delhi High Court criticised the pre-wedding ceremony of roka calling it a “social evil”. It is a ceremony held mostly among Punjabis, is usually done on a small-scale and signifies that bride and the groom can now court .But some people defend the ceremony saying that is similar to other wedding ceremonies.

“The High Court has set rules according to the Constitution, but we have to see that there are traditions to be followed. If any party involved in the wedding is deliberately asking for money or any other possession, it is a social evil which must be avoided. But roka ceremony is very much similar to other ceremonies involved in an Indian wedding, like a ring ceremony. Today, no gifts are exchanged forcibly.

Every item given by both the families to each other is done out of love and affection for their children,” says Prachi Sharma, who is getting married in October.

Sharma’s roka was held at her would-be spouse’s house in Kangra, Himachal Pradesh. Unlike many families who organise a lavish roka ceremony in hotels and expensive venues, Sharma says her’s was a simple one which included sweets, a pair of clothes for the groom and sagan (cash) for family members present during the ceremony.

“There are certain rituals that our families have been following. So they want to continue pursuing it in the same way,” adds Sharma, a former accounts analyst at American Express, Gurgaon.

On being asked if this can be reason of disputes and a failed marriage in future, she agrees, saying, “This can raise concerns of reputation of family members in an arranged setup”.

While Sharma agreed to her family traditions, Pradeep Arora, who works at Tata Consultancy Services, Gurgaon, wonders why only roka ceremony was highlighted by the Court when “all other ceremonies are the same.”

“Like roka, most wedding ceremonies involve exchange of cash and gifts. The wedding ceremony also has a custom where the girl’s family has to gift clothes to the boy’s family, his relatives and extended family. This is also a social evil,” says Arora.

“Even if a family is against this custom, they have to accept it to satisfy the expectations of their relatives and friends,” says Arora, whose wedding is scheduled for November. He admits that his partner’s family will also be more than happy to indulge in these customs. “My partner and I thought of bringing a change in our families by not accepting these gifts but couldn’t do so. Maybe the coming generations are able to bring a change to this system,” says Arora.

(All names have been changed)