The new divorce: Family estrangement across generations

Does your sibling make you mad?

At the recent WellChild Awards, Prince Harry posed this question to a participant. Once connected by shared trauma and dreams, the relationship between Princes Harry and William has significantly fractured. Although Harry’s estrangement may be layered – his wife’s race, disregard of the family code, geographical distance – marital choices can ignite the deepest separations.

The royal rift highlights the broader, unsettling phenomenon affecting countless families worldwide – estrangement. Recently, when his eldest son confessed over social media that he was in a long-term relationship with a woman while still legally married to another, Lalu Prasad Yadav expelled him from both their family and the Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) party.

In my 2020 book on marital disconnection, I examined how unmet expectations lead to estrangement. Over a quarter of urban Indians, one survey reveals, have cut ties with a family member. Since research on this taboo subject is scarce, the numbers could be much higher. In the US, statistics show that one in two adults is estranged from a close relative.

Estrangement manifests as the intentional severing of ties with family due to perceived slights or grievances; it is long-term and emotionally charged. Marrying outside family expectations – to someone of a different race, religion, class, or values – can heighten conflicts. Although interracial relationships are on the rise, couples like Harry and Meghan, more than same-race couples, face greater negative judgements that strain their relationships.

Yet, it is not only marriage-related clashes that drive people apart. Other ruptures can create estrangements, such as family migration, the transfer of wealth across generations, political divides, and mismatched values. When she confessed she had a boyfriend, Arundhati Roy reports her mother’s fury: “The insults washed over me like a tide... Apart from the usual ones, the additional theme of course was ‘whore’ and ‘prostitute’.”

Illness, mental health issues, emotional distress, and personality traits like stubbornness or narcissism can significantly contribute to estrangement. Older adults with untreated hearing loss experience withdrawal, irritability, and reduced family support. Conditions leading to speech loss, such as strokes or Parkinson’s, can foster feelings of disrespect, causing family members to lose interest in maintaining contact. For instance, Naina Mishra’s mental illness, highlighted in The Guardian, deepened her estrangement from her mother, who felt powerless to help her daughter amid her psychosis. Many estranged families may benefit from therapeutic intervention.

For some individuals, ending relationships is not a tragedy but a means of survival. Through detachment, they can escape cycles of abuse or manipulation that familial bonds often excuse. What older generations may see as selfish individualism may also be a cultural shift: younger generations redefining healthier family boundaries and a move towards mutual respect in their chosen connections.

Estrangement is a complex issue. Family members can live separately while emotionally intertwined with unresolved issues, or they may share a home and yet feel an overwhelming sense of distance. However, every instance of estrangement tells a story of betrayal and emotional wounds, and sweeps in its dragnet friends, non-estranged relatives, neighbours, and colleagues. This dynamic can formalise fractures across generations.

Family estrangement is not a modern phenomenon; it has been woven into the human experience for millennia. Consider the story of Cain and Abel: a cautionary tale of jealousy that led to the ultimate betrayal, where one brother killed the other. The epic of the Pandavas and Kauravas in the Mahabharata illustrates how love can devolve into rivalry, unravelling familial bonds. These ancient narratives reveal a painful truth: the deepest wounds are inflicted not by strangers but by those closest to us.

When crucial connections meant to nurture, validate, and uplift us are severed, the repercussions are devastating. Estrangement can plunge individuals into despair, anxiety, and loneliness, undermining self-confidence and identity. The fight against family estrangement is not simply about reconnecting; it’s about reclaiming one’s right to love and be loved unconditionally.

Estrangement pervades cultures, rooted in deep-seated wounds like parental favouritism and sibling humiliation. Choosing to distance oneself from family may be one of the most profound moral decisions a person can make, yet it can create political fractures and influence social dynamics. The ways we relate and interact with significant others, the WHO Commission on Social Connection (2025) highlights, safeguard our health.

Across cultures, the family is idealised as a sanctuary; however, being related by blood does not guarantee a sense of belonging. In a world where walking away is all too easy, we must find the courage to reconnect. But we must recognise when reconciliation is not the answer. True acceptance and healing can sometimes lie beyond family ties.

The writer is an international psychologist, former professor, and writer on culture, cosmopolitanism, and global affairs.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are the author's own. They do not necessarily reflect the views of DH.