JOIN USArranged by choice
Millennials have a new hot topic to debate and Seema aunty has ignited this discussion. Who Seema aunty, you may ask. Yes, the same one from the controversial Netflix docu-series, which has put the focus back on the (not so) hoary tradition of arranged marriages. If you make a word cloud from the series, ‘adjustment’, ‘compromise’ and ‘flexibility’ will take prominence over ‘love’, ‘understanding’ and ‘compatibility’. While that tells a tale of its own, it also is an unsubtle commentary on why arranged marriages continue to be popular in the age of dating apps. Anecdotal evidence even suggests that unlike popular perception, youngsters are happy and willing to find their life partner in their parents’ living rooms — sometimes literally.
Unlike the past practice of parents and extended families being the ultimate decision-makers, children today have a voice in choosing their life partners. But, are they using this voice, is the big fat question.
“Arranged marriages have more or less been the societal norm for years,” said Dr Tara Korti, Assistant Professor, Tata Institute of Social Sciences. Speaking of its visible transformation, Dr Tara remarked, “Arranged marriage is not something static. There is definitely a shift in it. Younger people have more say in choosing their partner in an arranged marriage now than before.” She added, “In contemporary times, in urban areas, parents are acting more like facilitators for young people to find partners.” This is perhaps why youngsters are comfortable with the idea today. That said, there is also a lingering doubt whether this compliance with a tradition that clearly has ‘issues’ associated with it, is part of a larger, more worrisome story. Is this another indication of how the urban Indian society is dividing itself into silos and echo chambers? is this another way we are becoming parochial and rigid?
Playing safe
The questions are many, but answers are very hard to find. But, to give millennials credit, those currently on the quest for their better halves, prefer one-on-one meetings before involving their families. A couple of coffee dates, texts and calls with their prospective partners are minimum prerequisites for many to know if they fit into each other’s scheme of things.
Mohith Mohandas, a 26-year-old engineer, shared, “If my parents find a girl for me, I need a minimum of three months to speak and spend time with her. Not just texting and calling, but I want to see her in person, know what she likes, how she behaves in public, how she treats me.”
Tania Malhotra, co-founder of Match Me, a matchmaking service, said, “A lot of parents we interact with leave the decision to their children. So, the family only comes in when they receive positive feedback from their children. We don’t usually fix family meetings, it’s mostly a one-on-one, like a lunch or a coffee date.”
Coffee dates are fine, but they do not exactly always lead to a seamless integration of families. The individuals themselves might have ‘clicked’, to use matrimonial lingo, but their stars will truly align only if they also satisfy a set of social and familial parameters. This is where the ubiquitous horoscope makes its entry as does ‘similar’ family backgrounds (read as caste) and economic considerations.
Nivedita Gopinathan, a program manager at a private company, shared that her parents’ regional and caste variances have been barriers for her to land her ideal match.
“I am like a hybrid that nobody can connect with, or accept. First thing they see is caste, then they see
what kind of qualifications and profession and eventually, they get to the girl. So, they never get to me.”
Regional bias too
She also voiced the existence of regional bias and the prejudice against women living alone. “I don’t have a filter for any region, but there are people who if I send a request, are like, ‘oh... this girl is from Goa’. The image of Goa through movies is someone whose ‘character’ is suspect.” Having to pass through layers of societal filters, the entire matchmaking process sadly turns out to be tedious and dispiriting for many. Nivedita adds, “I felt like I am not good enough and there was self-doubt. I never thought it would take me this long to find somebody. So, it does impact my confidence.”
Though many educated youngsters are unprejudiced due to increased exposure, cultural stigmas continue to play a big role as community and family are major influences in decision making. “In South Asian societies, it is the community or the collective, which is considered more important. In many cases, more than the individual. Because of this emphasis we give to our families as an institution, there is a high involvement of parents in important decisions that young people make,” said Dr Tara.
Another reason for the significance of parental approval is the promise of guaranteed support
from them if the marriage goes haywire. Devika Menon, a 27-year-old, tied the knot two years ago. Talking of her choice of marriage, she said, “When I was in a relationship, my parents knew about it and were okay with it. My father said, ‘If you get married, it is fine, but if it does not work out, you have nobody to blame, but yourself. However, if it is an arranged marriage and if it does not go well, you can blame me.’”
In some cases, even when parents are not adamant about following societal norms, they fear for their reputation if their offspring marry someone from a different caste or religion. “My parents may support me if I go in for an inter-caste marriage, but my grandparents may not be able to accept it the same way my parents will. So, that will seem like my parents didn’t bring me up in the right way. Everyone in the society will judge my parents based on my decision,” said Mohith. And so the loop never ends.
A pandemic twist
Alex and Anjana met each other through a matrimonial site. With their parents’ giving the green signal, they courted for a few months, dreaming of uniting in front of their friends and family in April 2020. But, the coronavirus pandemic altered their plans. With further postponing not an option, the couple replaced their big fat Indian wedding with an intimate ceremony of less than 50 people.
“I think every wedding in the world ought to be conducted in this way. If it’s a crowd below hundred, you can interact with all of them. It is a lot more immersive,” said Alex, an engineer at a private company. “However, because of the lack of vendors and good decorators, we couldn’t really make it the wedding of our dreams,” added Anjana, his wife.
Meanwhile, the already booming arranged marriage industry is seeing rapid growth, pandemic notwithstanding. With easy digital access, meetings and weddings have shifted online. Undoubtedly, the pandemic is adding its own essence to the ever-changing nature of arranged marriages.