Dear Madam,

I am studying second-year BA in a government college. I feel lonely as I have not developed a close intimacy with my friends to share my feelings. I talk to my classmates very formally. Since I am an introvert, I am unable to make new friends and get adequate attention from my parents. I feel anxious to discuss my thoughts with them. This is greatly affecting my studies, as it distracts my concentration. I am feeling depressed and have lost interest in any activity. Kindly advise.

Afreena

Dear Afreena,

Sometimes, we are not able to talk to people because we think we may not be good enough for them, or that they may judge us negatively. You need to believe in yourself and your worth. Believe that you are worthy of being a friend to someone. Believe that even if someone judges you badly, it is not the truth, it is only their judgement. People will always have judgements and opinions about you, but those are a reflection of them and what is important to them — they are not the reality about you. Everybody does not need to like you. You need to like yourself. And when you like yourself and believe in yourself, it will be easier for you to take the risk of talking to someone, because you will then not be scared of how they will judge you.

I strongly urge you to take the help of a counsellor. There are some free counselling services available. Or you can call the free counselling helpline at Parivarthan – the number is +91 76766 02602 and get help for yourself. Please reach out. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a 23-year-old engineering graduate. After my graduation, I feel empty and lost, and I am not clear about my life’s goals and passion that would make me happy. I am at crossroads. I have been thinking about many things that make me stressed, worried and hopeless. I tried talking to my parents, but they are unable to understand my point of view. This is also reducing my concentration on my co-curricular activities. Kindly advise me on this. 

T Mathew

Dear Mathew,

I think it will be enormously helpful for you to talk to a counsellor who can help you identify your strengths, discover your passion, get your motivation and purpose, as well as understand where your blocks are coming from. Often the way we process our expectations of ourselves, and those of our parents and others around us becomes so overwhelming that we cannot understand how to deal with the stress and burden of it, and tend to shut down. Please reach out to a counsellor for help. All the best.

Dear Madam,

Our 15-year-old son loses his temper over simple things, and we do not know how to cope with the situation. Every day, we try to adjust to his way of living and do not interfere with his studies or daily activities. Still, we end up in a quarrel for one reason or the other. Sometimes, it looks as if he can’t stand our presence. He is a bright student, but of late he doesn’t study. We are worried about his future. Kindly advise us about how to go about this issue.

Srilekha

Dear Srilekha,

It is normal for adolescents to have mood swings and process the world and incidents around them in a very impulsive emotional way. They are also very prone to peer pressure. All adolescents tend to be this way to different degrees and parents must know not to take this personally, but to treat it as a part of growing up. You don’t need to be the way he wants you to be – you don’t need him to dictate what is acceptable or not. You need to be how you are and want to be. You need to learn how to draw your boundaries and understand what is about him, and what is about you.

Having said that people don’t get angry in a vacuum. They get angry because some other need or emotion is not getting satisfied. You and he need to be able to understand the anger to help him with it. Instead of viewing yourself on the other side of the table as him, try getting on to the same side of the table, helping him negotiate his challenges. Anxiety about a child’s future is a normal part of being a parent. You must learn to deal with this anxiety outside of your parent-child relationship, otherwise, the relationship will forever be impacted by this. Please do not pass on your anxieties to him. It will be tremendously helpful if you get some counselling for yourself to help you communicate with him better and to understand where some of your own concerns may be impacting the relationship. No one said parenting is easy. And parenting a teenager is probably the hardest.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 10 student. I study well, but I go blank when I start writing my exams. How can I improve my memory and performance in the exams? Also, I tend to compare my performance with my classmates and friends, which my parents feel is not a good trait. Kindly suggest me ways to overcome this disregarding attitude.

Aman

Dear Aman,

Please believe in yourself and your capabilities, and do not make the exams out to be this scary monster that you have to tackle. When fear overtakes us we tend to blank out and forget things because we are so worried about what will happen if we make a mistake. Set your worries aside. Exams are just a minor obstacle on the marathon path of life. Life is not to be treated like a series of 100-metre races one after the other, where the only goal is to win. Life is to be treated like a marathon where the goal is to complete the race successfully and better your own timings, irrespective of what the others are doing, and in the process enjoy the ride.

You have to believe that you are good because you are good, not because you are better than the others. There is enough place in the world for many people to be good. If your friends do well, it does not mean that you will not do well, or that you are not good enough. Compete with yourself, try and become the best version of yourself that you can be. Everyone has their own path in life. Don’t worry about what the others are doing – their path is not going to hamper yours. So revel in their success as well for it is great to have friends who are also successful, rather than being the only one who is a success amongst failures.

Speak to a counsellor if you need help resolving this. Believe me, it will help you gain different perspectives on understanding yourself, the world and your relationships.