‘It’s not just grief’: Experts explain when sadness becomes depression

Experts decode signs to look for, what not to say, and when to seek professional help

In Bengaluru, the death by suicide of a Kannada writer and publisher, has renewed focus on clinical depression stemming from grief. Police claimed she had been suffering from depression following her husband’s death two years ago. Experts tell Metrolife that warning signs include persistent sadness, worsening functioning, and growing hopelessness.

“Grief comes in waves, with brief moments of relief. Depression is different — sadness becomes persistent, pervasive, and no longer linked to reminders of the loss,” says Neha Cadabam, senior psychologist and executive director at a private hospital. “When grief stops fluctuating and feels static and overwhelming, it may be shifting toward depression,” she adds.

Spousal loss can be especially destabilising, altering daily life, identity, and emotional security at once. “In such instances, ‘we’ becomes ‘I’,” says clinical psychologist Dr Shilpi Saraswat. Neha adds that risk rises further with triggers like financial stress, social withdrawal, or caregiving exhaustion.

Warning signs

Rehabilitation psychologist Nithya J Rao says a key red flag is when pain “affects everything” and turns into harsh self-beliefs such as “I am defective, unlovable, or a burden”, carrying out even basic tasks feel impossible. Families should watch for major shifts from the person’s usual coping pattern, she adds.

Warning signs can also be subtle, such as emotional flatness, irritability, loss of humour, withdrawal, fatigue, and emotional distance, which are often dismissed as “just grief”, says Neha. 

Experts caution that “some people process grief quietly”. “Constant busyness or forced cheerfulness may be emotional avoidance. Changes in sleep (persistent insomnia or oversleeping), appetite and weight changes, neglect of personal care, and abandoning
routines for weeks should not be ignored,” Neha says. 

Shilpi flags recurrent thoughts about guilt, “especially being stuck on what one did not do for the deceased”, as a sign to seek grief counselling.

Time for grief 

Experts caution against treating grief like a countdown. “Concern arises when distress persists for months without easing, or when one’s ability to carry out daily activities keeps deteriorating rather than stabilising,” says Neha. 
They warn that depression may not look dramatic. “High-functioning depression is often missed because productivity is mistaken for resilience,” says Neha. 

Helpful responses

Isolation can intensify grief, leaving those who live alone or lack support more vulnerable, says Neha. Nithya stresses that healing needs “community care and support”. 

Repeated talk about wanting relief from pain, fixation on death, giving away possessions, or sudden calm after intense distress are signs to look for, experts say. Support should begin with validation, not advice. Statements like ‘don’t cry’, ‘time heals everything’, ‘everything happens for a reason’, or ‘be strong’ can feel invalidating, they point out. 

Neha suggests starting gently: “When you say ‘I’ve noticed you seem overwhelmed lately and I care about how you are coping’, it opens dialogue without judgement.” Nithya recommends sharing stories of the deceased to keep the bereaved engaged.