The weight of thanks

Ancient philosophers Cicero and Seneca had strong views on gratitude. Cicero called being grateful the mother of all virtues, and Seneca ranked ingrates below thieves, rapists and adulterers. But how grateful are we really?

Sure, the world right now is not the best we’ve seen it. There's Gaza, where an uneasy truce has been brought about while the war drags on in Ukraine, not to mention the numerous conflicts and protests, from Yemen to Nepal to Leh to Paris and beyond. Close on the heels of wildfires, there are devastating floods and super typhoons. An already-tottering post-Covid economy hasn’t been helped by the mercurial US President Donald Trump’s tariffs, strictures on visas, and whatnot. Add to that AI swallowing up jobs faster than you can say perquisites … What’s there to be grateful for?

Well, how about looking at the little things that we so often take for granted? The gift of memory, for instance. To be able to have the pleasure of looking back and remembering one’s yesterdays. Or even the ability to drink water when you’re thirsty. Just ask Mahesh K (name changed), design head at a media agency. When he was in his 20s and 30s, he was known to drink like a fish. But all that changed when his creatinine level rocketed, damaging his kidney and necessitating dialysis twice a week. Mahesh could then only drink 750 ml of water a day. 

“There would be people in the office who would keep getting up every half hour to drink water. Seeing them would make me so thirsty,” says Mahesh. He found ways to cheat the brain — gargling, swirling an ice cube in his mouth and spitting it out, sucking on a tiny piece of lime to induce salivation …. Who would have thought that the 'fish’ would one day be craving water?

So, when he had a kidney transplant recently, the overriding emotion was one of gratitude. “I bowed in my heart to the entire team that had kept me alive through four long years on dialysis and during the surgery. It’s a debt I can never repay. And then, there was this unknown, unseen human god who made this possible. Someone lost their life, and through their gift, I gained mine back,” says Mahesh. 

According to Dr Sampurna Chakraborty, Clinical Psychologist and Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychology, Amity University, Noida, studies show that practising gratitude — whether through journalling, expressing appreciation, or simply reflecting on what we’re thankful for — activates brain regions linked to reward, empathy, and moral cognition, especially the medial prefrontal cortex.

“On a physiological level, gratitude is associated with the release of dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters central to feelings of well-being. It also helps reduce cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, which in turn can lower blood pressure, improve sleep, and support immune function. In many ways, gratitude operates like a natural antidepressant that helps in both emotional uplift and biological resilience,” she adds.

And as Cicero so rightly said, gratitude spawns a whole lot of other positive feelings — kindness, empathy, generosity, humility, and the desire to give back, to name just a few. 

Mahesh says: “This second chance at life is not just a miracle; it is a responsibility. I told myself that I must live better than before, with more purpose, more kindness. I want to do everything I can to spread awareness about organ donation. Too often, in the name of tradition or ritual, we cremate or bury bodies — yet those very organs have the power to save nearly eight precious lives. What greater act of humanity can there be than to give someone a second chance to live?”

Weaponised gratitude

While gratitude, in the truest sense of the term, can lead to that warm glow within, sometimes, it doesn’t feel like gratitude; it feels more like resentment. For instance, when someone uses gratitude as a weapon to extract compliance.

Arya S has been through this. It was 2022 when she had just gone through a break-up. Around the same time, she started her first job. The organisation, though small, was a prestigious one doing some impactful work.

“However, I was not able to come out of that mindspace.  And work was voluminous. And my boss — a charismatic, corporate guru — would pick on me. However, overnight things changed when he developed an attraction for me. He started going easy on me, and this became obvious to others, too, and they also became close to me,” she says.

It was flattering at first. “I was so grateful to this guy because he helped me come out of the negative space I was stuck in. I felt he changed my life.”

That sense of gratitude translated into packed 12-hour work days, seven days a week. “My parents were worried about me. I tried to put in my papers, but the response was always, ‘Oh! How can you leave me and go?’ It was emotional blackmail. Plus, there were anger issues (‘That’s because I feel so comfortable with you’).

“I was in a bad space, he pulled me out of it, but was again pulling me back into a worse space. I started feeling used. It was like unpaid labour on the pretext of liking me. I can’t feel grateful to people to the extent that I’m suffering,” says Arya. 

She left after eight attempts at resignation. And it took her many more months to come out of it.

Say thanks, don't burn out

“I did not know toxic gratitude was even a concept till I went through it and read up about it,” says Arya.

So, what is toxic gratitude? According to Dr Sampurna, toxic gratitude occurs when we pressure ourselves — or others — to feel thankful or stay positive in situations that are genuinely painful, unjust, or traumatic. It can invalidate real emotions and discourage people from processing difficult experiences that may delay the process of healing and recovery.

Melissa Crook, the author of Embracing Layers Unapologetically, refers to it as the voice that whispers, “You should be grateful,” when there’s a concern.

It’s the friend who tells you to be grateful you have a job when you are in the throes of a burnout. Or when you are complaining about Bengaluru’s now world-famous potholes, someone comes along and says, “Don’t you think it’s way better than what it’s like in Gaza, which lies under 53.5 million tonnes of debris, approximately 10 times the weight of the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt?”

There are not enough words to commiserate with the people of Gaza, but that doesn’t mean one has to be grateful for Bengaluru’s roads. Such gratitude leads to emotional harm because people are suppressing their feelings, leading to a cycle of resentment, guilt, and emotional burnout. (see box).

Gratitude as a performance?

When there’s a good idea going around, can marketers be far behind? From gratitude jars on Instagram to tracking apps that ping us to say thanks, “gratitude” has gone from a personal feeling to a public performance and a very lucrative market.

A quick look at some Instagram accounts and apps peddling gratitude shows that they come with a price — a subscription to fully access an app, or gratitude merchandise. And the reminders to be grateful — from therapists, influencers, podcasts, reels, jars, journals — can turn a little exhausting. If we are forced to be grateful, won’t thankfulness turn into a chore?  

Schenelle M, a student, has been there. “While gratitude journaling did help me for the first two days, it started becoming very exhausting by the third. On days when I just wanted to rant or vent, it was very difficult to come up with things to be grateful for, and it made it seem as though I was performing when I did write it down (which beats the whole purpose of journaling). So, I stopped.”

Maybe there’s a middle ground between chore and toxicity. As Dr Sampurna puts it, “Ultimately, gratitude isn’t about ignoring what’s wrong — it’s about noticing what’s still right, even in hard times. That makes it a quiet, but powerful tool for resilience.”

How to stay grateful

Derrick Carpenter writes about the science behind gratitude on happify.com. Here are three tips from him on staying grateful:

1. Be specific: If you’re going to be saying I’m grateful to my family and friends every single day, chances are you’re just mouthing words. Say what exactly you are grateful for — grateful to my sister for picking up the kids from school, grateful to a colleague for offering to work on his day off so that I could keep my appointment with the dentist.

2. Make it fun: Keep a gratitude jar, for instance. Empty the jar and read it once every now and then. Or stick notes around the house so that you are reminded to practise gratitude.

3. Be social: While gratitude is largely an internal thing, there’s no reason why you should let it stay inside of you. Write letters, thank you notes.  Let your gratitude spill over.

Listing the benefits

Dr Sampurna cites several studies that prove the benefits of gratitude. An early and notable study is from the University of California, Berkeley, which found that people who kept a gratitude journal for just three weeks reported increased optimism and well-being that lasted for months after the intervention ended.

A functional magnetic resonance imaging study found that participants who wrote gratitude letters showed greater neural sensitivity in the medial prefrontal cortex up to three months later, suggesting long-lasting changes in the brain.

“So while the ‘feel-good’ hormone release might be short-term, the psychological and neurological benefits of consistent gratitude practice can persist much longer,” says Dr Sampurna.

Toxic gratitude: Stay away!

Mindful gratitude is about authenticity, not obligation, says Dr Sampurna as she offers some tips to not be caught in the vortex of toxic positivity:

1. Honour the full spectrum of emotions. Gratitude should never come at the cost of suppressing grief, anger, or sadness.

2. Practice “both/and” thinking. You can be grateful and struggling. For example: “I’m grateful for my support system, and I’m also overwhelmed right now.”

3. Never force gratitude on others, especially in moments of loss or hardship. It’s more helpful to hold space than to offer silver linings.