An idiot's guide to learning

Swalpa connect maadi...
Last Updated 24 January 2010, 12:05 IST

Having graduated from learning all about vindictive relationships from the Saas Bahu serials, I have now graduated to feature films.

I must be the only person in a multiplex jotting down notes from my exposure to all the improbabilities of life as is lived on celluloid.
From Munnabhai, I learned how you can consult a ghost and get all your answers.
I plan to do just that soon as I get over my freezing fright of any being that does not occupy physical space.

I have also learned how to repeatedly send flowers to your enemies till you wear them down. Or they succumb to pollen allergies. Whichever comes first.
From Om Shanthi Om, I learned that if you want something very badly, all of the Universe conspires to give it to you, including reincarnating you to get the woman (also reincarnated) of your dreams. I don’t think I want anything so badly (unless it’s an oil well in the backyard) that I want the Universe to abandon its more significant tasks of running the earth to get a fix on my wish.
 But it’s good to know that the Universe is on a ready-to-please standby… like the Hutch Puppy.

Recently, I must admit to a lot of from the intrepid Aamir Khan in his idiot Avatar.
Lesson one: You can deliver a baby with a vacuum cleaner.
It gave me several delicious nightlong planning sessions of how I can make my millions by introducing a ‘Do It Yourself’ baby birthing machine made of refurbished vacuum cleaners…two of which are raring to go in my loft.

 Lesson two: Is the discovery that a simple concoction of wire and water can deliver some near fatal shocks to sensitive parts of the male anatomy.
This discovery may not be endorsed by electromagnetic laws but it is good to imagine some of your least favourite people at the receiving end. Quite made my day to imagine testing it on a certain hate spouting politician in Mumbai.
Lesson three: The legendary and superior mental capabilities of Tam Brahms fostered by chanting of secret mantras and generations of fine honing the gray cells.
Not true. Even a Yak meat-eating Wangdu can prove smarter when its about practical application of the knowledge.

Lesson  four: Is about how to turn a conflict into profit... If there is a conflict between disgruntled writer of book and the director of film supposed to have been based on it, both can laugh uproariously all the way to their respective banks.
 Because copies of book and tickets of film fly off the shelves faster than you can say ‘differences’. So who is complaining?
But by far my biggest learning has been that it is very possible to look and behave like a bubbling twenty something when you are hitting a late forty something.
But to my lasting regret, the film does not reveal the how of it. Is it botox? Is it a surgical lift? Is it just make up?
Please Aamir, do tell all. Even if we have to wait for a sequel to 3 Idiots.

(Published 24 January 2010, 12:04 IST)

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