Hitting the right notes

The rules of matchmaking are fast changing. In most instances, horoscopes and caste are not the only criteria, but compatibility is. Nafeesah Ahmed wonders if these are significant pointers to the changes in urban Indian society.

Marriage in India is big! It has been, forever, and perhaps, will
always be. Our fascination with ‘The Institution’ is now so embedded into our psyche that upon close examination, it could reveal itself alongside strains of our DNA.

Remember the TV commercial where the father of a young girl sees a potential match for her in every boy he comes across? Yes, however much we’d like to protest and term this ad an exaggeration, there’s no denying the fact that we, as a nation, are a super-obsessed lot when it comes to matchmaking and happy matrimony.

There is also no escaping the fact that most of us are reared on one belief — that our marriage is one of the most important events in our lives, thereby making the act of selecting our life partner more important than everything else in the world.

As for the process — well, in our part of the universe, matrimonial ads are placed and pored over, numerous profiles scrutinised, word dispatched to all the near and dear ones (however near or far they may be), and every well-meaning friend or relative is entrusted with the task of looking out for the ‘suitable boy’ or girl for the eligible one in the family.

But behind all the drama and excitement hides the fact that for most individuals, getting married, although hugely important, becomes the be-all and end-all of their lives. Dr Gitanjali Sharma, a Gurgaon-based marriage therapist and a life coach, puts it simply, “Somewhere along the line, we forget that marriage is just a part of life. Getting married should not become the sole purpose of a person’s life. These perceptions, and the general view of marriage, needs to change.”

And changing, it is, in some ways more than others. The very institution of marriage, in the Indian context, is undergoing a monumental change. As the rules of the game continue to evolve, the way people view marriages today is somewhat diametrically opposite to the very version that our parents grew up with.

It isn’t news that more and more young people are accepting the challenge of choosing their own partners when it comes to ‘settling down’. What is new, though, is that these youngsters are adopting novel ways when it comes to finding their mates. Some take it a step further and extend their choice to the selection of a court marriage over a religious ceremony, or for that matter, a quiet wedding over splurging on a ‘big fat’ one.

Matchmakers of yore

In the days when marriages across the globe are actually being proposed and solemnised on Skype, the Indian marriage market is witnessing its fair share of changes. It is, however, imperative to mention here, that this paradigm shift is more evident amongst the educated and progressive lot in urban India. Changing societal values, in tandem with economic growth and cultural evolution, have nudged us to take a closer look at what’s trending in the world of love and marriage in modern India.

Look around and you’d agree that the art of matchmaking in modern, urban India has undergone a sea change. As traditional astrologers and their exercise of matching the kundalis of the prospective bride and groom make way for drawing up of a compatibility chart between the couple-to-be; as the dated practice of exchanging photographs, then glances, and finally the garlands, gives way to harmless dating and the concept of courtship. We have reason enough to believe that the shift in the way young Indians look at the act of getting married is seeing new horizons.

Today, both partners try and spend maximum time together and make efforts to understand each other. A well-rounded education, exposure to the ‘western culture’, and the realisation of a need to share a close bond with one’s partner has this generation prioritising common interests, similar work or education backgrounds, over the age-old practices from our past. Dr Gitanjali adds, “The younger generation focuses more on compatibility. Today, they believe that relationships should be based on companionship, friendship and equality and that’s why they want to have a say in choosing their partners.”

It is this need to find true friends in their companions that has changed the way most of us look at pairing up for life. Around us, we find countless stories of couples meeting their partners during their college days or at the workplace.

One such story is of a Bengaluru-based couple — Subhadra Gupta and Vikas Katoch. Subhadra, a school counsellor, and her husband Vikas, a social development professional, met while studying at the Delhi School of Social Work. Their friendship continued beyond the classroom, and finally, while working together with an NGO based out of Dharamshala in Himachal Pradesh, they both discovered their special one in each other. “Matching of horoscopes and caste issues had no place in our relationship,” says Subhadra.“Our parents agreed readily after both the families met, and instead of any elaborate rituals, we opted for a simple, Arya Samaj wedding,” she adds.

Love — online & off it

Finding true love can be tough, but ever since we discovered the World Wide Web, many a hearts have skipped beats, and love and friendship have blossomed online. Years ago, a friend met her husband-to-be in a chat room. Friendly chatroom banter was soon making way for stronger emotions at both ends, and before they knew it, he flew down from the US to meet her, and after a brief courtship period, they were married. There are numerous cases where people have found love on the Internet, be it via dating sites, social networks, or even myriad matrimonial pages.

In fact, some online matrimonial sites have made the task of finding a suitable mate far easier than you’d imagine. Even those who frown upon the method of looking for a mate online are warming up to the idea, and do it privately, without involving the entire family. For those of you who simply cannot bear to register yourselves in the matrimonial market, have faith, for there are more options for you now, than ever before.

One such option is Find Life Over Here (Floh), a singles only network active in Bengaluru, Mumbai and Delhi/NCR, which aims at bringing together single people using fun, interactive events. These mostly range from exclusive cookouts with world class chefs to sangria making contests, grape stomping, wine tasting and more.

For those who love the outdoors, there’s sailing at the Gateway of India, treks and hikes, heritage walks across the city, besides dance workshops, paintball ‘matches’ etc, and the list gets more innovative with time. These events act as ice breakers, taking out all the awkwardness that comes with meeting other single people.

Siddharth Mangharam, CEO, Floh, believes, “A shared experience is worth a thousand profile pictures and that’s how we founded Floh in 2011. It is not a dating site, and every individual is screened before they gain access to the network. Interestingly, about 65% of our members are women.”

The good news is that expansion plans are in the pipeline and soon Floh is set to be available in other cities too. He adds, “Our members are urban, educated and independent, and have a passion for different experiences. Post the first interaction, if two people seem to click, then they continue to meet and interact on their own. Many of them end up in serious relationships, and some even get married.”

Many colours of love

“Love or arranged…?” is one of the most common questions a newly married couple often gets asked. The question might stump an outsider, but every Indian gets the connection. While the concept of arranged marriages might continue to baffle the rest of the world, more youngsters see themselves opting for a ‘love marriage’, even if it means going against the family. However, in cases where both sides of the families accept the choices made by their children, we witness what has come to be known as a ‘love-cum-arranged marriage.’

Bengaluru-based lifestyle designer, Mahashweta Shah, a quintessential Gujarati girl, and Abhilash Mana, an IT professional from Kerala, met at a party in Geneva. While Mahashweta was pursuing her Master’s in design, Abhilash was posted there on work. Within months of knowing each other, they realised they were meant to be together. Convincing Abhilash’s parents took a little while, because of the caste differences involved, but after a few rounds of honest discussions and a persevering stance by the two, his parents finally gave in, and today, they are happily married. “Ours was a typical love-cum-arranged marriage,” they chime, almost together, and laugh.

But no marriage is all fun and games. We’ve often heard the phrase, ‘there are no guarantees in life’. Similarly, every marriage comes with its own challenges, and there is no telling how long the marital bliss will last. If some love marriages fail, so do arranged ones. But if you thought it would daunt people from opting for love marriages, especially the ‘inter-faith’ ones, think again.

Religion no bar

Inter-faith marriages are not new to India. Our history bears witness to many a tale of alliances between clans, tribes and kingdoms. These marriages were a means of ensuring peace and cordial relations amongst the two sides. Today, we find a lot many couples opting for such marriages. Overcoming opposition from parents and family is often the biggest hurdle, and once that’s taken care of, things become easier to tackle.
Citing an example of a successful marriage between a Hindu girl and a Muslim boy, Dr Gitanjali shares, “The marriage worked out because of the husband’s supportive nature and the fact that he never pressurised his wife to convert to Islam, nor did he force her into following religious customs.

The couple has also given their children the right to choose their own religion, once they turn 18. When it came to counselling, not only the couple, but their parents came in too. Flexibility and empathy towards your partner is required if one wants to make an inter-religion or inter-caste marriage a success,” she adds.

It is also encouraging to know that while there are many NGOs across the country working for the cause of inter-caste marriages, there are a few that focus entirely on inter-faith marriages. One such organisation is the New Delhi-based Dhanak. Founder member Asif Iqbal gives us an insight into the kind of work his organisation is involved in. He elaborates, “We offer couples a platform to share their inter-faith marriage experiences and counsel those who seek to develop their perspective towards peaceful religious co-existence. We also organise regular meetings to address other issues that come up in such marriages.”

“Secondly, we look into the legal hurdles faced by people while opting for an inter-faith marriage, and right from the beginning, we’ve been trying to present a model where there is no religious conversion for the sake of marriage. Lately, we’re in the process of initiating a dialogue with various religious heads and the Khap Panchayat leaders to present a case for such alliances,” he adds.

Changing mindsets

So, be it a marriage without conversion, or a live-in relationship, it is evident that the modern generation is happy to embrace change. This willingness to experiment also sees couples opting for a live-in relationship, even if they aren’t brave enough to acknowledge it.

New Delhi-based Zara Ali met her husband Rajat Arora, at work, when they were both in their early twenties. Their courtship period lasted for about three years before they decided to live-in. Zoya says, “It was a natural step for us to move in together.

It was too early for marriage, and back then, our careers were our priority.” Rajat adds, “Before we broke the news to our families, we wanted to be absolutely sure about our decision. We ensured that failure was never an option, and after living together for about two years, and after trying to understand and appreciate each other for who we were, as two individuals coming from separate worlds, we decided to finally involve the families and get married.”

Change, it seems, is no more restricted to a few case studies. Instead, it’s permeating deeper. The Indian marriage system is witnessing the emerging trend of delayed marriages, and the strong leaning towards the nuclear family setup.

Then there are those who choose to be single by choice.Today, more women around us retain their maiden names after marriage, couples consciously opt to adopt or not have children at all, or those that are happy having their kids take on the surnames of both parents. This list, perhaps, will only get longer with time.

What’s important and notable is that these are not weak beginnings, but a strong sign that the way we perceive and deal with the ‘most important’ milestone in our lives is about to change, for the better.

(Some names have been changed on request)