An 'amoosing' conversation

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

When I read the news that the Rashtriya Kamdhenu Aayog (RKA) will be holding an online exam on ‘gau vigyan (cow science), I was delighted. That certificates would be given to all and successful meritorious candidates will be awarded prizes plus certificates seemed just what the doctor ordered.

The last time I ever got a certificate or won a prize was decades ago in college. Besides, it would be a welcome diversion from the tedious Covid. I happily broke the news recently at the first 2021 party at a friend’s place, declaring I had the time and the inclination to take up the exam. The simple, candid announcement was enough to provoke a volley of comments.

“Holy Cow! Are you gone crazy? You rather devote your time to something more worthwhile,” began Ravi, a retired banker, sipping his drink. Ravi’s wife, a teacher, made no bones of her beef with the whole cow business and me. “In the time of a pandemic, it is ludicrous to focus on things such as cow science exams,” she lectured.

Corroborating Mrs. Ravi’s views, Mohan, my architect friend intervened, “Is the focus of the government on this? Cows are more important than humans.”

As the half-a-dozen in our group laughed uproariously, I decided to speak up, “I have read the 54-page document brought out by the RKA which says the cow is full of science and economics and that ‘gaumutra’ or cow urine acts as an antidote for various diseases.”

Don’t give us such cock and bull stories, they chorused and guffawed. What else does the document say, asked Varun, our doctor friend. It also says that the local cow milk has traces of gold and earthquakes can occur because of cow slaughter, I responded matter-of-factly.

Before I could continue, Varun interjected: “Has this been proven scientifically?” he asked dismissing it as nonsense. “Absolutely” some blurted. I had no answer but continued to narrate what the document said. The local cows are hardy, respectful and clever while the Jersey cow is lazy, irreverent and prone to diseases.

“Oh my goodness this is poppycock,” laughed Mrs. Ravi, nursing her drink. “The Jersey cow is back in the news eh! Reminds me of 2004 when our prime minister called Sonia Gandhi a Jersey cow and Rahul Gandhi a hybrid calf. Some things never change”.

You’ll can argue till the cows come home but dinner is ready with my special beef stroganoff, the host’s wife announced to our group. Not one to be cowed down, I said aloud, “It is good to be a first mover, who knows there may be a national award for excellence in cow science.”