Are you becoming a gyan-giving uncle?

I am almost 50. This is important because I always thought that one of the great perks of age and white hair was the automatic shield it would provide against the annoyance of the Indian gyan-giving uncle.

No such luck. Even with white hair and the added gravitas of glasses, I continue to be beset by uncles (some younger than me!) who feel the need to give me gyan on everything from parenting to teaching to breathing (all activities I have successfully, without uncles’ help, conducted for many decades).

My own theory is that these are man-babies who were some doting parents’ ladla beta and never recovered. They continue to believe that their babbling pronouncements are cute. This worries me—I myself am the doting mother of a ladla beta and honestly believe that everything that comes out of this little boy’s mouth is adorable.

However, I fear that he will continue to babble nonsense even when he is a pot-bellied, balding 50-year-old, believing that he is still adorable. I fear he will end up lonely and sexless, spouting gibberish about how to breathe to any woman who comes within 10 feet—a strategy that seems about as effective as spraying insect repellent to attract a butterfly.

I also worry for my daughter—I worry that nothing has changed and that she too will have to spend a significant portion of her daily life battling the misogyny powering the Uncle. I worry that she will choose to be alone rather than partner up with a soon-to-be uncle. 

For the sake of our civilisation, here is my checklist for all the Indian men out there. Early detection is key. Give yourself a point for every question to which you answer “Yes.”

Do you spend more time reading forwards on WhatsApp than reading an actual book obtained from a library or bookshop?

Do you believe that pranayama is a substitute for physical activity and exercise?

Do you have a potbelly?

Do you spend more time telling other people about the merits of deep breathing than practising it?

Have you ever interrupted a woman while she was talking?

Have you ever asked a woman a question and then contradicted her while she was responding?

Do people, especially women, show a great desire to be somewhere you are not?

Have you ever continued talking to a woman who is vigorously nodding and saying “um…hmmm” while backing out of the room with you relentlessly following her?

Have you ever told someone else to practise pranayama?

Have you tried to speak to a woman on her area of expertise? For example, when talking to a teacher, have you given her your unsolicited opinions on teaching?

Have you ever given your opinion on anything that you have not spent at least a decade doing?

Have you ever asserted a potentially divisive “fact” that is not from a peer-reviewed research paper that you have personally read and understood, including the methodology and statistics?

Have you told a woman about good parenting techniques while somehow forgetting the fact that you have never raised a child?

Have you ever given your unsolicited opinion on anything to a woman who earns more than you or is higher up in the organisation than you?

Do you feel offended and resentful when a woman colleague says “no” to your request for “help” on a task that was assigned to you?

Have you ever asked a woman colleague to “remind” you to do something that is your job?

Have you ever spent less time doing your job than expounding on non-work-related content? For example, you are a carpentry teacher who spends a significant portion of class time speaking on how to align chakras.

In a conversation, do you contradict what the other person is saying, even when they are agreeing with your previous point?

Have you ever claimed to have conducted “deep research” on yoga or astrology or Ayurveda or Unani?

Do you believe that reading WhatsApp forwards constitutes “deep research”?

If you have answered “Yes” to 5-10 questions above, then you are fast approaching Unclehood, and you need to immediately take corrective action.

First, console yourself that this is not entirely your fault—our society simultaneously expects a lot from you while giving you very few tools to reach these high expectations. Next, detox. Delete WhatsApp, YouTube, or whatever social media you are hooked on, and then go to the library and read something from an actual book. 

If you have answered “yes” to more than 10 questions above, then you are an uncle. The only cure is mauna vrata for the next month. Do not open your mouth for the next month unless it is an emergency life-threatening situation, or it is to thank or appreciate someone else. Be quiet. Listen.

(The writer is a professor at IIM -B)