<p>There has been a resurgence of discussion surrounding narcissists as we witness a seismic shift in a distinct breed of daring leaders. In the audacious renaming of the Gulf of Mexico. In the bid to displace millions of impoverished <a href="https://www.deccanherald.com/tags/palestine">Palestinians</a>, transforming their homeland into a beach destination. Or leaders who proclaim themselves as divine emissaries claiming that the Almighty ‘just keeps making me do things.’ They are bold risk-takers adept at re-writing history to fit their narratives, driven by an insatiable hunger for more – more glory, power, and adulating followers.</p>.<p>While their identification as narcissists is not new, our fascination with them is soaring. It is evident in the billions of mentions of terms like #Narctok #darkempathtok #themostdangerouspersonality on social media and in the ubiquitous declaration, “My spouse is a narcissist.” Despite their intoxicating hold on our lives, it is astonishing how little we know about narcissists. Or much less, what to do when we find ourselves in bed, metaphorically or literally, with a narcissist.</p>.<p>So, who exactly is a narcissist? Three thousand years before Narcissus became a symbol of self-absorption, the Mahabharata referenced entitlement and callousness in King Duryodhana’s refusal to share even a needle’s tip of ancestral land with his cousins, instigating an epic war that sacrificed his dynasty.</p>.<p>Take Molly, a successful supermodel married to Mani, a businessman embedded in elite circles and on several corporate boards. “I just had lunch with Bill (Gates),” he would remark, flashing their selfie. In the beginning, Mani was fun, and energetic, surprising her with extravagant displays of love: 1,000 long-stemmed roses, a Ferrari to fetch her for dinner, or introducing her to an exclusive modelling agency, even if she did not need his help. Soon, his affection gave way to a troubling pattern of put-down comments humiliating her and targeting her appearance, dress, and family. Simultaneously, he began courting the attention of other exquisite women. It’s “Just Mani being Mani,” his friends would laugh off his coarseness with women, excusing his belittlement of those he perceived as inferior, his dishonesty, and willingness to exploit his friendships. Any recognition of disrespect or rejection would ignite his contempt that she was “unfit to handle a joke,” or lament how he was the one depressed “given my dumb luck in marrying an over-sensitive retard.” When they divorced, Mani claimed that Molly had destroyed a perfect marriage by becoming too self-absorbed.</p>.Professor’s Cut: Learning from high-art cinema.<p>To be deemed a narcissist, one must exhibit at least five of the nine defining traits: grandiose self-importance, an obsession with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; the conviction that only high-status individuals or institutions can truly comprehend one; an insatiable desire for adoration; a sense of entitlement; interpersonally exploitative behaviour; a profound lack of empathy or remorse; envy of others or the belief that others envy them; and a display of haughty attitudes or behaviours. These traits can also exist on a mild-to-toxic spectrum which may be why subtle forms of narcissism may be underdiagnosed and ironically, overlooked. While social media has glamourised extravagant displays of vanity, it’s essential to recognise that narcissism is not merely an extreme form of self-esteem; narcissists are not just vain individuals. Their most damaging traits – entitlement and lack of empathy – unfold dramatically in intimate relationships, leaving partners and children in perpetual fear, grappling with blame, diminished self-worth, chronic fatigue, and lack of trust in others.</p>.<p>Empathy, the ability to genuinely understand someone else’s experiences as if you were in their shoes, is crucial. It is not about fixing problems, offering solutions, or using logic to explain how someone should feel. If a narcissist cannot accurately understand your emotional life, the personal, economic, or social costs are significant for you. They may dismiss your experiences as inferior to their own or others deemed privileged. Their inability to comprehend your feelings often leads to harmful behaviours being repeated. When you express sadness, a narcissist may either interpret it as a personal affront, manipulate the narrative to make you feel you wronged them, or project their needs onto you – all tactics to dismiss, deny, or trivialise your own needs.</p>.<p>Although narcissists as leaders can spark significant transformations, their volatile love affair with themselves and toxic dance – absence of self-restraint, hypersensitivity to rejection or criticism, tendency to seek out adoring validators, and disregard for rules and consequences – plays havoc in relationships and ultimately, self-destructs.</p>.<p>Our collective complicity in enabling narcissists allows the toxicity to flourish. We are better off with partners who offer emotional sanctuary, individuals who have a better understanding of their inner world, a firm grasp on their reality, and can manage their reactions. It’s time to think critically about who we allow into our intimate spaces and the unrestrained influence we grant our leaders.</p>
<p>There has been a resurgence of discussion surrounding narcissists as we witness a seismic shift in a distinct breed of daring leaders. In the audacious renaming of the Gulf of Mexico. In the bid to displace millions of impoverished <a href="https://www.deccanherald.com/tags/palestine">Palestinians</a>, transforming their homeland into a beach destination. Or leaders who proclaim themselves as divine emissaries claiming that the Almighty ‘just keeps making me do things.’ They are bold risk-takers adept at re-writing history to fit their narratives, driven by an insatiable hunger for more – more glory, power, and adulating followers.</p>.<p>While their identification as narcissists is not new, our fascination with them is soaring. It is evident in the billions of mentions of terms like #Narctok #darkempathtok #themostdangerouspersonality on social media and in the ubiquitous declaration, “My spouse is a narcissist.” Despite their intoxicating hold on our lives, it is astonishing how little we know about narcissists. Or much less, what to do when we find ourselves in bed, metaphorically or literally, with a narcissist.</p>.<p>So, who exactly is a narcissist? Three thousand years before Narcissus became a symbol of self-absorption, the Mahabharata referenced entitlement and callousness in King Duryodhana’s refusal to share even a needle’s tip of ancestral land with his cousins, instigating an epic war that sacrificed his dynasty.</p>.<p>Take Molly, a successful supermodel married to Mani, a businessman embedded in elite circles and on several corporate boards. “I just had lunch with Bill (Gates),” he would remark, flashing their selfie. In the beginning, Mani was fun, and energetic, surprising her with extravagant displays of love: 1,000 long-stemmed roses, a Ferrari to fetch her for dinner, or introducing her to an exclusive modelling agency, even if she did not need his help. Soon, his affection gave way to a troubling pattern of put-down comments humiliating her and targeting her appearance, dress, and family. Simultaneously, he began courting the attention of other exquisite women. It’s “Just Mani being Mani,” his friends would laugh off his coarseness with women, excusing his belittlement of those he perceived as inferior, his dishonesty, and willingness to exploit his friendships. Any recognition of disrespect or rejection would ignite his contempt that she was “unfit to handle a joke,” or lament how he was the one depressed “given my dumb luck in marrying an over-sensitive retard.” When they divorced, Mani claimed that Molly had destroyed a perfect marriage by becoming too self-absorbed.</p>.Professor’s Cut: Learning from high-art cinema.<p>To be deemed a narcissist, one must exhibit at least five of the nine defining traits: grandiose self-importance, an obsession with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; the conviction that only high-status individuals or institutions can truly comprehend one; an insatiable desire for adoration; a sense of entitlement; interpersonally exploitative behaviour; a profound lack of empathy or remorse; envy of others or the belief that others envy them; and a display of haughty attitudes or behaviours. These traits can also exist on a mild-to-toxic spectrum which may be why subtle forms of narcissism may be underdiagnosed and ironically, overlooked. While social media has glamourised extravagant displays of vanity, it’s essential to recognise that narcissism is not merely an extreme form of self-esteem; narcissists are not just vain individuals. Their most damaging traits – entitlement and lack of empathy – unfold dramatically in intimate relationships, leaving partners and children in perpetual fear, grappling with blame, diminished self-worth, chronic fatigue, and lack of trust in others.</p>.<p>Empathy, the ability to genuinely understand someone else’s experiences as if you were in their shoes, is crucial. It is not about fixing problems, offering solutions, or using logic to explain how someone should feel. If a narcissist cannot accurately understand your emotional life, the personal, economic, or social costs are significant for you. They may dismiss your experiences as inferior to their own or others deemed privileged. Their inability to comprehend your feelings often leads to harmful behaviours being repeated. When you express sadness, a narcissist may either interpret it as a personal affront, manipulate the narrative to make you feel you wronged them, or project their needs onto you – all tactics to dismiss, deny, or trivialise your own needs.</p>.<p>Although narcissists as leaders can spark significant transformations, their volatile love affair with themselves and toxic dance – absence of self-restraint, hypersensitivity to rejection or criticism, tendency to seek out adoring validators, and disregard for rules and consequences – plays havoc in relationships and ultimately, self-destructs.</p>.<p>Our collective complicity in enabling narcissists allows the toxicity to flourish. We are better off with partners who offer emotional sanctuary, individuals who have a better understanding of their inner world, a firm grasp on their reality, and can manage their reactions. It’s time to think critically about who we allow into our intimate spaces and the unrestrained influence we grant our leaders.</p>