The decline of social etiquette

When social relationships become insensitive and devoid of understanding, leave alone compassion, everyone in society suffers. A study on social mindfulness across countries puts India third from the bottom. How did we come to such a state? Where have we erred?

All cultures have norms of behaviour that reflect the attitudes of their people towards each other. It could also be called social etiquette. The norms of greeting, celebrations and all social events which bring people together have protocols aimed at strengthening harmony. The simple act of folding the hands together in a greeting conveys a body language that indicates respect, humility and warmth. Touching the fingers to the forehead, a handshake, repeated bowing all are symbols of friendliness. All create an atmosphere for good behaviour.

The etiquette and rules observed in offering food not just to humans but also to other species go even beyond an act of kindness. It sets the tone for being aware and grateful for one’s good fortune, perhaps a prerequisite for sensitivity to others.

In segregated societies like India, such behaviour used to be restricted to one’s own community. The more fortunate, as a matter of duty, took the responsibility of educating the less fortunate in their extended family or caste group. Offering food was again a practice that was widespread.

While the duty to one’s own community and kin was clear, there was no such clarity in relationships involving others. The very idea of a more inclusive society brought in demands which created conflict. In the midst of conflict, the focus shifted from duties to rights. Getting one’s rights often involves a struggle that can sometimes turn ugly. An early casualty in that individualised battle is social etiquette.

Cultures and societies are dynamic. Things that were viable in the past could become irrelevant or even seem exploitative at a later date. Such perceptions lead to demands for change. When new perceptions are not put in place all etiquette suffers. Conflict brings toxicity and there is no room for kindness or compassion. The Chinese master Confucius calls social sensitivity or mindfulness ‘rites’ and observes, “unless a man has the spirit of rites… in having courage he will become unruly, and in being forthright he will become intolerant.”

This perhaps rings a bell that we must take as a wake-up call. It must not be allowed to become a harbinger of destruction.