Wedded to a psychologist

Change is not easy but I learned to navigate my quirks and flaws

‘I would like to have a word with him in private,’ she insisted. I hadn’t anticipated being interrogated by the prospective bride we had gone to ‘see’ before taking a plunge into an arranged marriage. My being an army captain with decent lineage and education, in the process of becoming a helicopter pilot, carried little weight for this student of psychology. Thankfully, I was judged marriage-worthy.

Together we began our life journey, exploring uncharted territories. While I explored the third dimension defying gravity and honed my flying skills, she studied the inner dimensions of the human mind. It was my proud privilege to be her subject for research in those honeymoon days wherein she revealed to me numerous blind spots in my personality. At times one felt that the ‘Johari Window Model’ used for understanding relationships was designed especially for the likes of me.

As new terminologies entered my vocabulary, I realised I possessed many of those personality traits in varying degrees. Many of my habits came under the purview of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). What I felt was my sensitive nature was actually a case of low ‘self-esteem’. I never knew that when I sulked, I was being a ‘covert narcissist’ manipulating people with silent treatment. My seeking company was in fact an outcome of ‘anxious attachment’.

Before my ‘thinking errors’ graduated into ‘cognitive biases’, she took it upon herself to rectify my flawed pre-marriage mind programming. “The only person with whom you have to compare yourself is your former self,” renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud would often be quoted. “The only thing harder than getting a new idea into the military mind is to get an old one out,” I would quote military theorist Liddell Hart in my defence.

Evidently, I’d devised more defence mechanisms than all the weapons I would probably have fired in self-defence during my military life.

Once by chance, I overheard her counsel a couple on the verge of divorce. “I am glad you know all this,” I commented naively. “A counsellor seldom succeeds on the spouse,” the rebuttal was quick. I, however, feel honoured when my suggestions are taken from a ‘husband’s point of view’ to resolve cases of marital discord.

Over the years, my resistance to ‘improve’ has softened somewhat after hearing numerous people express gratitude to her for alleviating their psychological trauma. I’ve also realised that her intent was always to strengthen my inner self for my ‘own good’. But change isn’t easy and is always accompanied by discomfort, hence my earlier resistance.

Everyone isn’t fortunate to marry a psychologist, and many who don’t benefit from being slaves to their rigid attitudes. Well, my experience tells me that one only tends to benefit in this arrangement. You either become adept at understanding the human psyche or you turn into a philosopher; some even evolve as writers.