Talking is important

There's an old saying, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. This could not hold truer than in the current environment as children aren't allowed to go out and play, get some exercise, breathe in some fresh air, rest their eyes and connect with their friends. There is also this all-pervasive environment of anxiety, fear, helplessness, worry, grief, anticipatory grief, uncertainty, boredom, loneliness, and so much more which is affecting everyone, including our children. Never has each one of us faced similar emotional challenges at the same time. This scenario is creating all kinds of challenges for us individually - physically, mentally, emotionally and logistically – but also for us as parents.

As with every other challenge, the key to being able to successfully navigate this situation, and mitigate its impact on us, lies in being able to communicate effectively with our partners, children and maybe parents, that we are together locked in with. Communicate your needs, your feelings, your challenges, your expectations. And allow the others to do the same, without judgment, and with a desire for you to learn and understand.

It is important to acknowledge that just like us, children have their own anxieties and worries about what is going on in the world, and we must talk to them about it, in an age appropriate way. By not discussing anything in front of them we don’t give them the permission to raise their concerns either. They may need constant reassurance and security. But by talking about it all the time we may heighten their anxiety and fear needlessly.

Parental anxiety is also quite prevalent now. A lot of our behaviours as a parent, and the quality of the relationship we have with our children, stems from our anxiety about their future success (success as we define it, based on our current life experience). We constantly try to push them, shape them, mould them, get them to do more and be more – because maybe that will guarantee their success. The reality is that no matter what we do, we cannot control their future. They must live their life’s journey and learn their life’s lessons on their own. However, our anxiety about their future success interferes in our ability to be with them in the moment – enjoy them, learn from them and grow with them. Most of the time parents never have any conversation with them other than about work that they have not done, or chores that they have not completed or things where they have not measured up. This is counterproductive.

Parents sometimes carry huge amounts of guilt from the belief that they are not doing enough for their child. The next child is doing so much more than theirs, or the neighbour is a much better parent than them because they can push their child so much more. There really is no place for guilt in parenting. We each need to believe that we are good enough parents. Social comparisons and “should” statements – I should be like this, or that, or my child should be like this – do nothing more than fuel stress and anxiety, and make you, and your child feel bad. Parents must have the confidence in themselves that given their current understanding of the world and of life, and their current circumstances, they are doing the best they can.

During this pandemic I have heard parents referring to this year as a lost year for their children. This is surprising because there is no such thing as a lost year. Maybe the year did not pan out the way we would have liked it to, but it existed. And in that existence, it gave us different opportunities and different experiences - not those that we have necessarily liked or wanted, but experiences, nevertheless. So, can we look at reframing the “lost” year for ourselves and our children – what has this situation allowed us to do, or learn, that we may not have been able to otherwise? Can we use this as an opportunity to teach resilience to our kids? Can we use this as an opportunity to teach life skills? Can we use this as an opportunity to develop an attitude of gratitude? After all, a lot of education and learning does not happen in the classroom. Focus on resilience for the long term, not the next exam

Some simple strategies that may help parents and children thrive at the current time are:

Limit the family’s exposure to news to one reliable source, once a day. Too much anxiety-provoking news is, all the time, is not helpful.

Keep regular routines for yourself and the children. It is so easy to let the routines slip right now, that this may need a conscious effort.

Use technology to stay virtually connected with friends and family, yourself, and get children to do that with their friends, and grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins that they like.

Leverage grandparents in other cities through virtual connections to play virtual games or tell stories or read books.

Add fun to your day, you will never get this time back. The chores will never go away. But your children will grow up and leave. Play games, read, listen to music, dance, talk, cook, clean, exercise, learn a new skill, develop a hobby, or do nothing at all and just be.

Make sure you take care of yourself, and encourage the rest of the family to do so to – with healthy food, good sleeping habits, enough exercise, enough downtime and personal time.

Define your boundaries - of time and space – clearly, to allow for you to manage your work as well. You could make children jointly responsible for your success at work!

Be mindful, be in the moment, be present – don’t be racing ahead to the future. Enjoy the NOW and the opportunities it has given you to spend time with your children (which may have been a distant dream prior to the pandemic).

Focus on what you can control.

Believe that this too shall pass.

Most importantly, be a role model in resilience, by handling stress, uncertainty and anxiety effectively. Children see; children do. You can say whatever you want, but the message that stays with children is the one that they experience. If there are areas that you are finding hard, ask for help, whether it is from a family member, or a friend, or a counsellor. Be gentle on yourself - don't discount the impact of the current emotional environment – but don’t let it beat you down!

(The writer is a counsellor based in Bengaluru)