To be or not to be a mother

Personal choice

Not every woman is born with maternal instincts. And it’s perfectly fine if one chooses not to become a mother. It doesn’t really mean that the person is heartless or incomplete, argues Advaita Shyam Sunder

There are some women who can change the lens of a microscope easily, but can’t change a baby’s diaper. Motherhood is a title worthy of much respect and adoration, but to face the truth not every woman is cracked up to be a parent. It takes a lot of patience, time, dedication and love to raise a child. There are women who are willing to give up a lot for the sake of a bundle of joy.

But we shouldn’t judge those who aren’t eager to do so. Not wanting to be a mother is definitely not selfish on a woman’s part, it is her personal privilege. The sole purpose in a woman’s life needn’t be to bear and raise a child.

Motherhood becomes a must for every women, but d­­oes it have to be so? If a woman does not want to have a child, is there something wrong with it? It is million times better not to have a child than have one and not nurture it well. These days, women are being frank enough if they don't want to have children, and not give in to societal pressures.

Janani Narasimhan says that not wanting to have a child doesn’t make her a magical unicorn or a freak of nature. “It makes me a woman who understands her priorities. And I’m thankful to my husband for being supportive of my decision. I can never be that kind of woman who totes around burping babies and calmly puts up with toddler tantrums. I am not going to have any miraculous epiphany one day about my child bearing duties.”

She further stresses, “I’ve always been independent, like to cook when I want, organise things the way I want and go to places I like. I can’t put my entire life on hold for a baby. I like to spontaneously go and do fun things with friends, family or relatives. These are things that seem to vanish into thin air when children come into play.”

Not heartless

Society still stigmatises women who don’t want to be mothers. But motherhood is a choice these days; no more a requisite. It’s not as if all women are born to have children and should procreate to prove their femininity.

If motherhood is really a life-long bond, then why are there abandoned kids? Isn't it better to decide not to have a kid when one knows one’s inadequacy than to have a child and discard it? Having a child is a life-long commitment, and if someone is not sure if they are ready and prepared to have a child, she might as well not have one - as one becomes responsible for another human being.

Sometimes women just don't have the time, energy, or inclination to devote to kids. In such cases, is it not better that they refrain from having starting a family? This could be due to their career, financial constraints, lifestyle or a busy social life.

“Parenting can be a great joy for a woman, but is best if entered into voluntarily, not under any compulsion. I chose not to have kids as I knew I will never be able to give them that care and devotion. I like kids, but prefer to be a doting aunt and a good friend rather than a mother,” says Anjana Raman.

Many women who choose not have any children seem to think that the many sacrifices associated with motherhood only stifle their individual selves. Also, some women have no sense of obligation to make their lives always about somebody else. Such women believe that kids deserve to be raised by parents who
proactively want to have them.

Making choices centring on a woman’s needs and desires isn’t selfish. “Women like me with no kids are not emotionally stunted or inadequately grown-up. To me, they are mature enough not to buckle under social pressure and choose a life that’s right for them,” remarks Usha Rani, a single lady in her forties.

Whether a woman wants to be a mother or not is her unquestionable prerogative.