No longer married to traditional norms

In Kashmir, women are slowly embracing more individual choices, prioritising their personal growth and career while challenging traditional gender roles, writes Zulfikar Majid

In Kashmir’s traditionally patriarchal society, where a woman’s choice in marriage was once seen as revolutionary, a growing number of women are now prioritising education, career, and independence over societal expectations.

For generations, women had little say in their marital decisions, with family elders arranging matches that prioritised social and economic stability over personal aspirations. Education and career ambitions often took a backseat to the long-standing norm of early marriage. However, as social norms shift — particularly in urban centres — more women are asserting their right to decide when and whom they marry.

According to the Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation, the average age of marriage for women in Jammu and Kashmir has risen to 24.7 years, compared to the national average of 22.1 years. Before the armed insurgency of the 1990s, government reports indicate that the average age at marriage for women in J&K was 21 years. In contrast, West Bengal records the lowest average at 21.2 years, while urban women in Maharashtra marry at an average age of 23.6 years.

This shift in marriage patterns has broader social and demographic consequences. A 2008 study by the late Prof Bashir Ahmad Dabla, former head of the Sociology and Social Work department at the University of Kashmir, found that while Kashmiri men desired to marry at 28, they were actually marrying around 32. Women, who traditionally aspired to marry by 26, were getting married at 28. Today, the gap has widened further, with many women choosing to marry even later, influencing fertility trends in the region.

Jammu and Kashmir’s Total Fertility Rate (TFR) stands at 1.4, well below the replacement level, signalling a potential population decline. The rural TFR of 1.5 is slightly higher than the urban rate of 1.2, reflecting how shifting family structures and delayed marriages are reshaping diverse communities. According to NFHS-5 (2019–21), India’s national TFR is 2.0.

Education as a catalyst for change

The increasing access to education has been a game-changer for women in Kashmir. It has not only opened doors to professional opportunities but has also given them the confidence to challenge traditional norms and assert their autonomy. According to the J&K State Council for Educational Research and Training, Jammu and Kashmir has the highest literacy rate for Muslim women in India, fostering a sense of self-reliance. However, this newfound independence does come with its challenges.

As women increasingly embrace their right to delay marriage, the tension between tradition and personal choice grows more pronounced. For some, like Aaliya and Noor, both in their early 30s, postponing marriage is an empowering decision. Educated, financially independent, and ambitious, they view marriage as something that should complement their goals, not restrict them. Aaliya, a successful entrepreneur, believes, “Marriage is not something I’m willing to settle for out of societal pressure. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am today. My career is fulfilling, and I won’t compromise on my ambitions. The idea of marrying someone who doesn’t understand my priorities doesn’t appeal to me.”

Noor, an IT professional at a leading tech company, shares a similar perspective. “There’s always been pressure to marry, but for me, marriage should come with mutual understanding and respect for each other’s aspirations. My career is just as important as finding the right partner.”

However, this shift is far from universal. In smaller towns and rural areas, marriage is still seen as an essential milestone, and many women fear the social consequences of remaining unmarried. Fatima, a 28-year-old schoolteacher from southern Anantnag, acknowledges the divide. “Some of us can now say ‘no’ to an arranged marriage, but for many, family traditions still dictate their choices. The fight for independence in choosing a life partner is far from over.”

The unseen barriers to marriage

One of the biggest obstacles to marriage in Kashmir remains the overwhelming preference for grooms holding government jobs, which have long been viewed as symbols of financial stability. Even highly educated and accomplished women like Aaliya and Noor often face limited options due to this entrenched expectation.

Men, too, struggle under the weight of these traditions. Anees Ahmad, a small business owner, reflects on the reality of marriage expectations in Kashmir: “In a society where dreams are measured by the uniform of a government job, my heart feels heavy. I may not have the security of a government post, but I carry a promise of love, honesty, and ambition. Yet, here I stand, wondering if those things are enough when a job title seems to matter more than the person beneath it.”

The rising trend of extravagant weddings has further complicated the marriage landscape. The financial burden of these grand celebrations discourages many families from marrying off their daughters early, contributing to delayed marriages. A study by Tehreek-e-Fala-Ul-Muslimeen, an NGO, reveals that around 50,000 women in Kashmir remain unmarried despite surpassing the traditional marriageable age, with 10,000 of them residing in Srinagar alone.

Balancing progress with tradition

While delayed marriage reflects shifting priorities, it also carries broader social implications. Dr Farrukh Faheem, a humanities professor at the University of Kashmir, explains: “Delaying marriage isn’t about rejecting tradition but redefining it. It allows for personal and professional growth but also affects population dynamics and social cohesion.”

He notes that parents today increasingly prefer their daughters to be financially stable before marriage, which further extends the timeline.

“Education, employment, finding the right match, and planning a family — it all takes time,” he says. However, the biological clock remains a concern. Dr Shahnaz Taing, a leading gynaecologist, warns about the implications of delayed childbirth: “Fertility declines significantly after 28, as both the quality and number of eggs decrease. With most Kashmiri women now marrying in their late 20s or early 30s, the likelihood of having multiple children is reduced.”

The road ahead

The evolving landscape of marriage in Kashmir reflects a broader transformation in gender roles, aspirations, and societal expectations. Women are no longer passive participants in their marital decisions — they are active agents shaping their futures. While challenges remain, the shift towards education and financial independence signals a transformative redefinition of womanhood in Kashmir.