A different happily ever after

A few weeks ago, when our 10-year-old daughter suggested we watch Spellbound, a newly released animated movie on an OTT platform, we readily agreed. The plot, as expected, had the typical Disney feel (with plenty of song and dance) — a princess embarks on an adventure to rescue her parents, who are trapped by a curse. What took us by surprise, however, was when, out of nowhere, the parents decided to separate, leaving the young girl distraught. “Why are they living separately” my daughter asked, unable to grasp the sudden change in their living arrangements.

It turned out I wasn’t the only one struggling to find an appropriate explanation. On social media, parents raised concerns about the movie’s “simplified depiction of divorce,” fearing it might cause confusion about how parental conflicts are resolved. But is it okay to introduce the concept of divorce to children at all? Most child psychologists believe it is.

Divorce is no longer a rare occurrence in society. While India has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world — about 1 per cent, or 1 in 100 marriages — it has been rising since the last decade, when the rate was 7.4 per 1,000 marriages. In countries like the US and the UK, divorces are more common. Art often imitates life, and as such, the portrayal of single-parent families in animated films is becoming more frequent. For instance, in That Christmas, another recent animated film, one of the main characters is a young boy who lives with his mother after his parents’ divorce. While not as common in animation, the subject has been explored in several films over the years, such as Mrs Doubtfire and The Parent Trap.

Mumbai-based child psychologist Payal V Narang feels there is no “correct age” to discuss divorce with a child, but normalising different family structures early on can be very helpful. “Children today need to understand that there are different types of families, and this includes normalising divorce and separation,” Narang said. “However, this should be done tactfully, using age-appropriate language and addressing their questions with care.”

Normalising various family structures can be crucial in providing children with the emotional support they need during the distress of parental separation, says Sonia Singh, a single mother. Singh separated from her husband 12 years ago and has since raised her now 18-year-old son alone. “My son was six when we separated. My ex-husband and I tried to ease the transition by going on holidays together, attending Parent-Teacher meetings, and living close by — but it still affected him a lot,” she recalled. “He eventually came out of his shell and learned how to handle insensitive comments. But if different family structures were normalised — by adults setting an example — it would build empathy for those who are hurting, instead of making them feel worse,” Singh added.

However, there is a risk that discussing divorce could shake a child’s core beliefs. In Spellbound, for example, when the princess’s parents tell her they can no longer live together, she is struck by fear: “If you can fall out of love with each other, can you fall out of love with me?” The illusion of “everything is fine” shatters, and the belief that her parents’ love — for each other and for her — is permanent is shaken. “Discussing divorce can challenge a child’s belief system, particularly their ideas about love and security. It can make them think that love is conditional,” Narang explained. “Parents must reassure their children that parental love is permanent.”

Children generally seek stability, predictability, trust, and normalcy, added Delhi-based counsellor Saloni Nanda. “In the case of divorce, if one or both parents can maintain a sense of normalcy and stability, children will grow up believing in relationships. The anger and distrust typically arise when there is instability or chaos during or after the separation,” she explained.

Bengaluru-based psychotherapist and counsellor Mini S Nair, however, believes that children today are often overexposed to complex subjects like gender, relationships, sex, violence, and drugs. As a result, many parents worldwide are asking schools to “limit discussions on these topics because there’s a risk of overstimulation.” “Just recently, during a life skills session at a school, we had this very discussion: What subjects are appropriate to talk about, and how much is too much?” Nair shared. “Some schools have even removed certain topics from their life skills programmes due to the abundance of external information and parental pressure.” That said, Nair noted that some schools have adopted a practice of class profiling. If a teacher knows a student’s parents are divorced or if the teacher is going through a separation, the class can be sensitised in a more targeted, group-specific way. “It’s a tricky situation, but we have to acknowledge that cultural shifts are happening,” she said.

An animated movie that resonates with young minds and features relatable characters, therefore, maybe a good first step in helping children understand and navigate the world around them.