Mental health comes first for Bengaluru's young people in relationships

A recent survey has found that 67 per cent of Gen Z women would call it quits if a relationship were having a negative impact on their mental health. This ‘dramatic’ shift in perspectives and priorities has emerged as a post-Covid phenomenon, Bengaluru-based therapists and psychologists say. 

The survey by Aisle, a dating app, was conducted across metro cities with the largest pool of respondents from Bengaluru (19 per cent). It further found over 50 per cent of participants believe that “therapy talk belongs in dating conversations” and 1 in 3 “have ended or avoided relationships due to mental health concerns”.

Mental health literacy

Relationship experts in the city note that much has changed in the last five years with heightened awareness of therapy terms like ‘toxic’, ‘gaslighting’, ‘red flags’ ‘boundaries’ and ‘attachment styles’. “This is a result of the easy access to mental health literature on social media,” says Afifa Kauser, counselling psychologist. She explains that older generations prioritised survival, family and socio-economic mobility over emotional compatibility and mental health, whereas younger millennials and Gen Z “are living in an India that is more globalised and liberalised”. 

Even seven years ago, people were not aware of the term emotional abuse and that it was as harmful as physical abuse, points out Maullika Sharma, counsellor.

Sunil John has been working as a counsellor for over 15 years. He notes that older millennials and other older generations saw relationship problems as “something to just live with or get through”. “They never viewed it as a problem that could be solved with therapy, nor did they consider walking away from the relationship if it was draining them mentally,” he explains. With the younger generation, the conversation is more about what they can do to improve the relationship. 

Dramatic shift

Kala Balasubramanian, a psychotherapist, says the number of unmarried couples signing up for therapy has increased by 30-40 per cent in the last five years. She adds, “This includes couples for whom marriage may or may not be on the horizon.” Often, couples who have been in a relationship for a long time seek therapy before making the decision to marry. “They come to us to figure out if getting hitched is the right step for the relationship, problems that could arise, and if their value systems match,” she says. 

Some of John’s clients have got the answers they need and have parted ways amicably after therapy. “They are looking at relationships as something that could enrich their lives in a meaningful way,” he states.

Kala shares that some get into an open relationship thinking that is what they want, but one party later figures out that they want exclusivity. “In such cases, it is difficult to resolve because they are attached (to the primary partner) and do not want to abandon the relationship.”

Therapy tools

One of Afifa’s clients came to her after she started experiencing panic attacks and sleepless nights. Her husband refused to get involved in the care of their child and her. “She would face problems whether she stayed or left,” she shares. While the woman is still married, she has moved out of the house she shared with her husband. Therapy helped her recognise the relationship patterns, build her support systems, and become more assertive. However, awareness can also prove to be detrimental in some cases.

Another client, while being able to recognise ‘gaslighting’ and ‘red flags’ as explained on social media, could not differentiate between these terms and normal conflict in her real life. “As a result, she was struggling in her relationships. So I had to guide her to tell the difference between normal differences and toxic behaviour,” she recalls.