Are you on a guilt trip?

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving. But you can make it work in your favour if you know where to draw the line, writes Maullika Sharma

I often encounter guilt in the therapy room — guilt at being a working mom and therefore unable to be available 24x7, guilt at not living up to parents’ expectations, guilt at being the only one to survive an accident, guilt at cheating in a committed relationship, guilt at wanting some ‘me’ time, guilt at cheating in an exam, guilt at taking a luxurious holiday, guilt at doing better in one’s career than a sibling, guilt at living in a different country from one’s parents, guilt at indulging in unhealthy food. So many different types of guilt — each one different in its content and manifestations. Yet, it is all guilt. So, let’s try and understand guilt at a slightly deeper level to help us deal with it when it needs to be dealt with, and discard it when it needs to be discarded. So much guilt… why do we feel it? Interestingly, some neuroscience research actually says that our brain rewards us for feeling guilty because the reward centre of the brain is what gets activated when we feel guilty! Something for us to ponder over.

For a better you

Guilt serves a powerful role in our lives — that of policing our behaviour, or at least reminding us that we could have done better. People prone to guilt tend to work hard, perform better, and be better friends, lovers and employees, than those who are not. Their guilt is an emotional warning system that allows them to be more empathetic, to think about the consequences of their actions, and to stick to their morals. According to Sabaa Tahir in An Ember in the Ashes, “There are two kinds of guilt: the kind that drowns you until you’re useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose.”

One’s behaviour and decisions are often the most common reason for experiencing guilt. It is a recognition of having done wrong, and a desire to fix it. It can be unsettling, but it also represents one’s humanity. After all, if you don’t feel any guilt after having done something wrong, you’re probably somewhere on the path to becoming a narcissist or psychopath. But feeling guilty is not enough. Guilt is only a useful compass if it motivates you to accept responsibility and stop the offending behaviour.

Then there is guilt one can experience due to an unfulfilled desire. There is guilt people experience when they are sexually attracted towards someone outside of their committed relationship. There is guilt when their sexual attractions and preferences fall outside of the socially defined and accepted constructs. There is guilt people feel when they desire not to pay heed to the religious constraints that are binding their minds. In this case, one can choose to pretend the desires don’t exist (at the risk of losing one’s mind), or be more honest with oneself (which is healthier, but may often lead to significantly different outcomes).

Have you done enough?

There is guilt if one couldn’t help a person one truly cared for — could be a partner, a parent, a child, a friend, a colleague. In such a situation, there is a desire to help — a desire to save the person from anguish. It is important to recognise that not everyone can be helped. In fact, a person who does not want to help themselves, most often cannot be helped by another. And helping another must never come at the cost of one’s own health and well-being. If you have guilt about a friend taking to drugs and you not being able to ‘save’ them from it, it is important to recognise the limits of your own ability to help. If the ‘addict’ wants help, you can provide it. If the addict rejects the help, then there really is not much you can do. Some things are simply out of one’s control and knowing one’s own limits is crucial.

Survivor’s guilt is often talked about. This is common after a tragic incident where one has survived but has lost friends or family. This is similar to the guilt one feels if one is more successful or wealthy or fortunate than the other members of the family (or group). This guilt often manifests in an inability to share one’s successes with the family, or a feeling of guilt while indulging oneself in some sort of luxuries or taking vacations, because others in the family are not able to afford the same things. It is important to remember that each person takes their own life decisions, which often determine their outcomes. So, if they took a decision which resulted in an outcome that was not as good as yours, it does not mean that you need to feel guilty for your positive outcome. If one sibling becomes an engineer and the other an artist, and the resultant financial and social outcomes are different, it does not mean that the engineer needs to feel guilty about his state. Unfortunately, this guilt is often brought on and imposed by parents and other family members.

In conclusion, we need to recognise the type of guilt we have. Is it really guilt, or is it remorse?

It’s all normal

Feeling guilty sometimes is normal, especially if we have done something wrong. This is ‘healthy’ guilt which is trying to teach us something and the best path forward is to ‘right’ the ‘wrong’, and make amends for our offensive behaviour. Acknowledge the ‘wrong’ and accept that we did something inappropriate; apologise for the ‘wrong’ and the negative impact it may have caused; find a way to ‘right’ the ‘wrong’ as soon as possible, change the offending ‘wrong’ habit; and then treat yourself with some compassion, move on and let the guilt go. The more appropriate term for this is not guilt, but remorse. In the words of Veronica Roth in her book Divergent, “Maybe there’s more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.”

Guilt, on the other hand, is when you feel bad about who you are. If the guilt is not teaching you anything and does not require you to change any behaviour, then it is ‘unhealthy’ and there is no place for it. This kind of guilt is not about anything that needs to be fixed or changed and is irrational and without purpose. For example, a working mom’s guilt at not being available to her child 24x7. This guilt doesn’t question what the mother is doing but rather challenges her being. It is a form of ongoing self-punishment that weighs moms down and often prevents them from moving forward. You don’t need to let guilt run (or ruin) your lives.

Focus on what you can control in a situation, and what you do, not on what others will think or do. Quieten your negative self-talk and use positive affirmations for yourself. Take the time to challenge your need for being the perfect person, and be as assertive as you can with those who try to burden you with guilt. Overcoming your guilt is possible, but can be challenging as it requires you to be more self-accepting, self-compassionate and self-forgiving. It requires you to believe that you are not just your actions. As always, taking the help of a counsellor on this guilt trip can make the journey easier and more fruitful.