Where are your manners?

A cellphone rings in the movie theatre. A man answers on the fifth ring. And then, the saga begins. Not in hushed, apologetic tones, but with a devil-may-care attitude. "He went on to speak for a good 15-20 minutes about the state of Indian economy, the future of start-ups, Sanjay Leela Bhansali's filmography," fumes Aditi Bhosale, a Mumbai-based financial consultant, as we lament over the steady decline in social etiquettes. "The disapproving murmurs and dirty looks of movie-watchers around him didn't deter the 30-something-seemingly-educated man from being a nuisance," she says.

What do we attribute such obnoxious behaviour to? "Smartphones," pat comes Anjali's response. "People are so busy staring into their phones, living their perfect virtual lives. There's no time for common courtesies," she reasons. I want to disagree, but then, I look at the sea of people glued to their phones, oblivious to humanity around them. When did it get so bad? Perhaps, when we stopped holding the door open for the next person. When we started texting in the middle of in-person conversations. When we no longer cared to acknowledge the presence of others…

The magic words

If you are among the millennials, who studies suggest think of social etiquettes as a bunch of antique rules that serve little purpose in today's digital world, then we have news for you. Research shows that good manners serve as the basis of social connection. As Pier Forni, an acclaimed author, civility researcher and professor at Johns Hopkins University, puts it, "The rules of good manners are the traffic lights of human interaction…They make it so that we don't crash into one another in everyday behaviour." Maybe, it's time for us to reacquaint ourselves with good manners.

In a series of interesting studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers Adam M Grant and Francesco Gino found that gratitude and generosity go hand in hand. When someone says 'thank you' on being helped, it increases the chances of the person helping others in the future by 100%! Interestingly, the experimenters found that people weren't helping more because they felt better or it boosted their self-esteem, but because they appreciated being needed and felt more socially valued when they'd been thanked.

Unfortunately, gratitude is a rare commodity in today's world. Ask Karan Rao, who has had more than his share of social embarrassments when intended kind gestures have backfired. "Once, in a crowded bus, I offered my seat to a lady, and she got really offended. Not only did I get an earful about chauvinism, but also lost my seat to an opportunist fellow passenger," says the young media professional from Delhi, who is now "very wary of being nice".

The least you can do when someone does something thoughtful for you, is to smile and say the magic words. It's a proven way to cultivate gratitude, nurture a more optimistic outlook on life, and, basically, make the world a happier place. And while you are working on your 'thank you', it's a good idea to reintroduce 'please' and 'sorry' in your everyday vocabulary.

Don't save them for special occasions - say, when you want the boss to give you a raise, or when you want the spouse to forgive your indiscretion. Use them freely, albeit sincerely. It doesn't matter whether you are talking to a subordinate, or a young child, the addition of a 'please' can work wonders. And to quote from the beautiful movie Wonder (based on R J Palacio's eponymous debut novel), "when given the choice between being right, or being kind, choose kind". You don't always have to be at fault to say 'sorry'!

Back to basics

In the age of smart speaker devices like Alexa and Siri, are we teaching our children (often, by example) that it's okay to be rude? Latest research suggests so. It's funny how people tend to equate etiquette with fine dining restaurants. Bread plate to the left, drink to the right, and all that jazz. But what about everyday scenarios at homes, offices, malls, movie theatres?

In essence, good manners are about those small things you can do to make people know that you appreciate and care about them. Like saying "good morning" or "have a nice day" to co-workers. Listening to people, without any distraction, when they are talking to you. Returning calls. Being on time. Not standing over someone's shoulder and reading their e-mails.

It's mostly about common sense and treating people the way you would like to be treated. With respect and kindness. Whether it's with family and friends, or office staff and casual acquaintances, it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile. In fact, research shows that being kind to others makes us happier. Now, isn't that a great incentive to switch off that phone (sure, you can put it on 'silent' mode) and be at your courteous best!

Thank you for your time. Have a nice weekend!