JOIN USA gay couple’s story: 20 years and waiting
The past three days have brought hope, the kind of hope we felt in 2009 when the Delhi High Court first ruled Section 377 of IPC, which criminalised homosexuality, as unconstitutional.
My partner and I have been following the arguments for marriage equality in the Supreme Court. We have also been looking at what is happening on Twitter and WhatsApp. It is a bit like tuning into T20 cricket commentary for me!
We have been together for 20 years, and enjoy a degree of family and community support. But as we touch 50, we are worried about things like health insurance cover, retirement funds, and inheritance. We can write wills but do they hold good? Lawyers say that wills can be challenged, and advise to execute gift deeds instead. But gifts are taxed unless it is to a recognised family member. Some banks have recently started offering joint accounts and joint health insurance, but while they have announced it, the branches do not yet have the information to implement it. Though some corporate insurance plans have become inclusive, my partner’s policy doesn’t cover me. We can’t get life insurance as a couple.
Kids’ question
We thought of becoming parents seven years into our relationship. Adoption was not an option for gay couples, though one could adopt as a single person by not disclosing the relationship. In those days, many queer couples had embraced parenthood through surrogacy. But in 2016, then external affairs minister Sushma Swaraj barred homosexuals, single people, and live-in partners from surrogacy. Even today, when we see parents with children, it breaks our heart. This is a big void in our life.
We fulfil that parental urge to a certain degree by being around our nieces and nephews. They treat us as family. They are not bothered whether we are gay or straight. Children have an innate ability to see love and form connections.
What we overlook is that marriage equality is as important for families of queer people as it is for the couples. In my counselling practice, I have met parents who push their children to migrate to Canada and Australia so they can marry. Even families with single children do that. They send their lone support away.
The thought of migrating had crossed our mind. But I wanted to stay back and work in mental health in India. In addition to his corporate job, my partner is keenly interested in classical music and promotes the craft and heritage of India. For him, the urge to stay connected to his roots trumped everything else.
We are forthcoming about our relationship within family, and socially as well. We do our bit of advocacy for LGBTQ rights. But we have never found the courage to move a court to legalise our relationship. We have had unpleasant incidents in the past.
Painful message
When my book ‘Pink Sheep’ was published in 2009, a neighbour circulated press coverage around it in the apartment online group and wrote ‘Please don’t let your child go close to Mahesh. He is a gay man. Our children are not safe with him.’ We were both living together at that time, and it was the most painful thing we have heard. The book highlights different aspects of gay life.
My partner and I were quizzed by landlords when we were looking to rent a house in the initial years. We got fed up. We decided to buy a house instead.
We are aware of our privileges and the freedom we enjoy as a result. We are educated, self-employed, and have supportive families. But we are also pragmatic about how we express that freedom. I can’t fly a pride flag on my house yet!
The SC bench has asked the petitioners and the government to wrap up their arguments by Monday. We hope to see India being counted among the progressive nations of the world in our lifetime.
(As told to Barkha Kumari)