If only we didn’t say ‘if only’

‘If only I had dropped them at All India Radio,’ said the gentleman in our living room. He was talking about the teenagers who had recently been murdered in New Delhi. The sister and brother duo had set off for an Akashavani (All India Radio) recording, and got a partial lift with our land-lord. Since he left them at a point quite far from where they were headed, the youngsters hailed a passing car and hitched another ride. Kidnapped by killers, they would never see another sunrise.

My parents assured our visitor that he could not have foreseen the tragic events that would unfold after he waved the children goodbye.

Throughout the conversation I sat in sullen silence. Although I knew it was unjust, I longed to exclaim, ‘If only you had gone out of your way and taken those kids farther!’ The girl had been a student at the college where I was teaching, and my colleagues and I had condoled with her family.

I was haunted by the image of the mother deluding herself that all was well. Her husband, distraught with grief, kept repeating. ‘If only I
had driven them to the radio station.’ 

‘If only’ is an expression which states that something done differently might have averted an ensuing, unpleasant occurrence.

Most of us have used those words, at one time or other, believing that certain situations would have had less disastrous consequences if we had acted in a particular manner or, indeed, refrained from action. 

Our landlord told us that till the end of his days he would earnestly wish he had seen the siblings safely to their destination. He was not to blame for what happened, but logic is rarely at work when it comes to ‘if only’. It is human to dwell on past errors, impossible though it is to turn back the clock. 

The only good to be gained from ‘if only’ thoughts is to recall, with repentance, occasions when our behaviour left much to be desired, and try to improve ourselves.

One wonders if those who snuffed out two innocent lives, on the evening of August 26, 1978, had ‘if only’ moments, three years later, when faced with the gallows.

More importantly, was regret aligned with remorse?