Kate, wish you had read Hamsavali’s story, mate

With Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, not having made a public appearance in a couple of months, everyone on social media is losing their mind, coming up with conspiracy theories as to where she might be and what she might be doing! As for me, of course it reminds me of a Sanskrit story that makes the secrets of the British royal family look tame in comparison -- it has intrigue, affairs, and mistaken identities, but also some black magic, and a satisfying ending. Without further ado then, here is the story of Hamsavali from the Kathasaritsagara.

Hamsavali was the beautiful princess of the kingdom of Vidisha. Predictably, a handsome prince, Kamalakara, heard of her beauty and wished to marry her. He sent his bard to her father to ask for her hand, and Hamsavali’s father readily agreed that it would be a fine match. He also recalled that he had been worried sick about finding a suitable match for his daughter, so much so that he got a high fever just thinking about it. Lord Vishnu had appeared in his dream then and told him that Hamsavali would marry the fine Prince Kamalakara, but after suffering briefly. He also told the king that Hamsavali had special powers -- the mere touch of her hands could allay any fevers, including the king’s. The king conveyed this to Kamalakara and readily consented to the marriage.

But Hamsavali was curious -- what kind of man was she about to marry? Was Kamalakara handsome at all? She sent her trusted confidante Kanakamanjari to do some detective work. Unfortunately for the naive Hamsavali, Kanakamanjari fell in love with the prince herself, and lied to Hamsavali. “Kamalakara is possessed by a spirit and has horns. All his servants had to try really hard to restrain him.”

In panic, Hamsavali asked her friend for a solution, and Kanakamanjari offered to marry the prince while dressed in Hamsavali’s clothes. On the wedding day, she directed Hamsavali to hide in an old shalmali tree outside the city, and promised to retrieve her from there after the wedding. Kanakamanjari dressed up as the princess and dressed her close friend, Ashokakari, as herself. She married the prince amid much pomp, but at night, when her deception would not be detected.

As the marriage procession crossed the city, she pretended to be terrified, and told her new husband that she had dreamt of a demon in the shalmali tree and that it should be burnt. And Kamalakara made sure it was burnt to a crisp.

Unfortunately for Kanakamanjari, though, the hollow of the shalmali tree had been too dark and scary, so Hamsavali had instead climbed onto a banyan tree nearby and watched these proceedings. Not as enterprising as Kanakamanjari, she just went away and bided her time in prayer, waiting for her destiny.

Meanwhile, even as Kanakamanjari and her friend Ashokakari lived happily in their new palace, Kamalakara developed a fever. Now, Kanakamanjari was terrified -- what if her husband were to demand that she cure his fever through the touch of her magical hands? She had to figure out some way to cure fevers, and if she could get rid of Ashokakari, who knew her secret all along, that would be even better. So, she decided to perform a black magic rite that conferred the power to heal fevers. Kanakamanjari, however, was not as skilled with the sword as she was with her scheming, and so when she tried to perform the human sacrifice as a part of the ritual by beheading poor Ashokakari, she ended up striking Ashokakari’s shoulder instead, and Ashokakari ran away. And so, Kanakamanjari was caught. Kamalakara found out the truth and went in search of Hamsavali and they were finally united. Now, Kamalakara had long forgotten about Hamsavali’s supposed healing powers, so if only Kanakamanjari had done nothing, she could have continued her cozy life as Kamalakara’s wife.

And if only Kensington Palace had not put out an altered photo, the gossip about Kate Middleton would have died down by itself. But who will tell the British royals to carefully read the literature of the countries they once colonised?