Relationships matter the most

The pursuit of happiness is a never-ending pilgrimage for most homo sapiens. They are on a perennial quest to find the source of lasting happiness. The paradox of this search is much like the musk deer searching for the source of its scent. Both deer and humans have what they are looking for inside them.

The secret to happiness lies in the quality of the human relationships that surround us. The stronger our relationships, the more enduring our happiness!

This would appear to be plain wisdom, which is as old as the hills, but the sad thing about such wisdom is that it is nearly always elusive to humans.

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All of us have perhaps realised, to our dismay, that most of our happiness and unhappiness are the result of some relationships. We remain happy and content when the web of relationships around us moves smoothly. In the same manner, we feel disturbed and worried when some relationships turn sour or unpleasant for some reason or another.

One of the longest studies ever undertaken on what constitutes a good life is the famous Harvard Study of Adult Development (HSAD). This study, started in 1938, is still ongoing after 75 years. A cohort of some 724 former alumni of Harvard University and some 1,300 of their descendents has been the subject of this study, lasting a few generations. Only 60 of the original group are alive today, and they are in their nineties now. This study has the bedrock of empirical data to prove a few valuable principles in life.

Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. “Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.” That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants.

Robert Waldinger, the present head of HSAD, said in a popular TED Talk: “When we gathered everything together, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.”

The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.

Those who kept warm relationships got to live longer and happier, said Waldinger, and the loners often died earlier. “Loneliness kills,” he said. “It’s as toxic as smoking or alcoholism.”

“When the study began, nobody cared about empathy or attachment.” But the study went on to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that “the key to healthy ageing is relationships, relationships, relationships”.

This means that it is time we replaced our screen time with human time. We can dispense with everything in life, but not things that impair or hurt relationships. Mark Twain too testified that a good life is built on good relationships. We need to invest our time and energy in tending our relationships.

Family is supremely important. That’s where love springs from, particularly in the relationship between parents and their children or grandchildren. In India, where joint families were the norm in the last century, the relationship circle was quite vast and varied. And in most cases, there was love and affection among siblings, cousins, and relatives. Bickering would exist side by side. That is inevitable in most relationships, but that’s just a passing phenomenon. Mature people overcome such events with a touch of kindness and a dose of ‘forgive and forget’.

Friendship is another beautiful kind of relationship. Many of us may have friends with whom we spend the happiest moments of our lives. We continue to nurture and nourish friendships even in our adult lives, even in our 60s and 70s. In fact, we might need friends desperately
to ward off loneliness in our old age.

Colleagues who work with us and interact with us for most of our waking hours also contribute to our wellness and contentment. If we do not have a healthy relationship with our colleagues, our superiors, etc., we may have to endure very stressful times, resulting in the loss of peace of mind. The art of getting along with people is the key to professional relationships.

The relationship is gossamer-like and tenuous. It needs tender care. If we do not handle the delicate fabric carefully, ruptures might occur, and some would be difficult to mend. In this life, what finally endures is the sweetness of the love and care we receive from those who constitute our inner world.

(The writer is director, Little Rock Group of
Institutions, Udupi.)