Sex is the mantra

Writing a piece about sex is daunting for several reasons including reticence and personal biases. There is also the additional risk of trivialising or giving a prurient, wink-wink twist, to a sensitive subject that needs to be brought out of the closet and allowed to breathe a bit.

From a land known for the Kama Sutra and temples that celebrate sex on their walls as a natural and joyous act, India has swung to the other end of the scale. As a society, it has become inhibited and obsessively secretive about it. It’s all around us but we pretend it isn’t. This is a society where women are raped with distressing frequency, but which also rises up in arms when sex education is proposed in schools.

Years ago, a friend had remarked during a casual conversation that backaches could also be attributed to deficient sex life. I remember being flummoxed at that time. Could sex actually contribute to, or hamper physical health? Center for Women’s Studies states that “…The benefits of sex for women include lower blood pressure, a better immune system, decreased depression and anxiety and natural pain relief…”

According to a study by the New England Research Institute (CNN Health 2018), “…Men who make love at least two times a week are 45% less likely to have heart disease than men who have sex only once a month or less…” Evidence notwithstanding, what’s happening on the ground?

Vivek (31), a young IT professional, says, “I have experienced the feel-good impact of sex. But I’m single and in India, unlike in the West, we are still uncomfortable with the concept of casual sex without strings attached. Dating apps have improved matters, but even there, one has to go through the grind of courtship or dating. Paid sex is not an option for fear of being arrested or shamed, or worse still, exposing oneself to STDs. For someone who is not ready for a long-term relationship or marriage, sex is essentially non-existent.”

Rashmi (33), married for around five years and mother of an 18-month-old son says, “My husband and I have not been sexually intimate since our son was born... We live like companionable roommates but miss the intimacy. However, we’re sure it will happen again soon. For now, it’s alright.”

A young, single woman said quite indignantly, “There is a woeful lack of understanding about the benefits of sex. During a routine examination, when my gynaecologist told me my uterus was ‘depressed’ because I was not sexually active, I remember being aghast. It’s not just about intercourse; the intimacy and warmth that sex affords is something women value greatly. I have experienced its health benefits too. But in India, sex is not an option for fear of being judged in poor light.”

Dr Dechamma, a gynaecologist and fertility specialist with 15 years of experience in advanced reproductive techniques, shares a reality check, “Couples often approach me for infertility treatment little realising their problems have little to do with their reproductive systems. We often discover that they have stopped connecting emotionally and this has led to a lack of physical intimacy.”

There are other serious issues that impact and prevent intimacy among couples. A young ex-colleague regularly and openly shares on social media, distressing stories of her husband who is addicted to pornography to the extent that he is unable to engage in intimacy without it. He forces her to watch with him and has virtually driven her to an emotional breakdown.

Dr Dechamma shares that this is not an infrequent phenomenon. “Increasingly, we are witnessing that the lives of young couples are infused with negativity, which is a deterrent to desire. Anger, infidelity, unresolved domestic issues, and porn and social media addiction directly impact their sex life. Several of them need counselling before they can fully realise how important physical bonding is for leading a healthy life.”

I’m told, almost universally that sex as a word and activity belongs to the distant past in the lives of older, more mature couples. Some friends reveal a wistful longing that matters could be different. Often it is the fear of the vigour that sex demands which scares them, given their reduced physical health.

Dr Dechamma sums up the situation. “While peaks and troughs are normal, it is also important to recognise and work to keep intimacy intact as well as possible, especially if health permits and a couple feels love and passion. Long-term physical intimacy is much more than sex and it is important to understand this.” Have it, enjoy it, nurture it is the mantra, given the evidence that sex yields benefit for both; emotional and physical health.

(The writer is a Health and
Development Journalist based in Mysuru)