Vada Pav will now be Vada Pak in Pakistan

General HQ, Pakistan Army,
Chaklala, Rawalpindi

Pakistan’s Army Chief Asim Munir was yelling as if his uniform had caught fire. “What a despicable, hideous, abominable, vile thing to do!” he screamed, as he began the meeting on a heap of broken glass and shards of metal.

“Yes, sir, this rubbish flew in when the Indians blew up our Nur Khan airbase,” said Lieutenant General Muhammad Asim Malik, a lackey of Munir. Lieutenant General Nauman Zakaria, another lackey, nodded so vigorously that it looked as if his head might fall off.

Munir yelled even louder. “I was referring to the renaming of Mysore Pak by the Indians.” Deep Throat—as I call my source—crouched behind the heap and watched.

Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif coughed to get attention. “May I have the permission to speak, sir?” he pleaded, sounding as if he had a fish bone stuck in his throat. “Yes, but for 10 seconds,” the army chief snapped.

“It’s regrettable that India has—” Sharif began. “Your time is up,” Munir bawled and turned to Zakaria, who raised a hand.

“The Indians”, Zakaria said, “consider the renaming of sundry things to be historically, legally and genetically an exclusive Indian foible.” He added, “We’ll hit where it hurts them most: we’ll hit back at renamings with renamings.”

Munir grunted. Malik’s face lit up. “The Kavita Didi Ka Indian Khana in Lahore”, he said, “serves vada pav and pav bhaji. Quite popular, sir. We must order the owner to rename them as Vada Pak and Pak Bhaji
at once.”

“At once,” Munir commanded Sharif, who quickly picked up his phone and spoke into it.

“Munir boy,” said Masood Azhar, the chief of terror outfit Jaish-e-Mohammed, a special invitee, “we must find alternative names for Lahore and Kasur too. Wikipedia reveals that Lahore was founded by Prince Lava, the son of Lord Ram, and Kasur by his twin Kusha.”

After a nod from Munir, the Prime Minister picked up his phone again.

“Now about the so-called Mysore Pak,” said Masood Azhar with a wicked smile. “My boys have found a photograph to prove that Mysore Pak was originally invented in 1864 in Muridke, now in Pakistan, and called Muridke Pak. A chef in Mysore stole the recipe and named it Mysore Pak. We must move the International Court of Justice to restore our rights over it.”

“File a case,” Munir ordered Sharif. “But will Pakistan win the case at the World Court?” he asked, his face tensed up.

“Not to worry,” Masood Azhar said with a wink. “We surely will.”

Ministry of External Affairs,
Janpath, New Delhi

“Will India win the case?’ asked External Affairs Minister S Jaishankar at the emergency meeting he had summoned.

“Of course,” said Congress leader Shashi Tharoor with humongous confidence. He was a special invitee. “We surely will. The verdict will come any minute.’

“And how does a teeny-weeny, pea-sized country like Pakistan,” asked Jaishankar, “so shamelessly invade our renaming territory?” His mobile rang. He picked it up with the haste of a drowning man clutching a lifeguard ring. He hoped it was news of the verdict. It wasn’t.

Sandhya Kumari, the 18-year-old chief political editor of the Fata-Fat news channel, another special invitee, scowled prettily. “We can’t sit back and bite our nails,” she said. “We must go on. We must now rename Chomchom.”

“Chomchom?” exclaimed Asaduddin Owaisi of All-India Majlis-e-Ittehadul Muslimeen (AIMIM), yet another special invitee.

“Chomchom is a yummy Bengali sweet,” Kumari said, licking her lips. “But I have discovered that it’s also the name of the dog of the classmate of the daughter of the neighbour of the hairstylist of Munir.”

Owaisi sighed. “We must also find new names for Shahbaz in Navi Mumbai, Shahbaz Lane in Hyderabad and Shahbazpur in UP, etc.”

“To me”, Jaishankar said, “even Kachori sounds too much like Karachi . . .” His mobile rang. His face brightened as he heard the caller.

“We won,” Jaishankar exulted, placing the phone back on the desk. He said, “The International Court has ruled that the 1864 Murdike Pak photograph submitted by the Pakistanis was fake. The evidence submitted by the Indians proved that Pakistan had submitted a morphed 1888 photograph of a Chinese chef making a dish called Mapo Tofu. Munir is so ashamed he is again hiding in a bunker…” He paused.
“But who submitted the Indian evidence?”

Kumari and Owaisi exchanged looks. Tharoor had a smile as sweet as Mysore Pak, alias Mysore Shree, on his face.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and is fictitious.

(The writer is a Bengaluru- based senior journalist)