Auto response

After Black Wednesday (Mumbai Edition 2011), and scores of other Black days, the Central government is now hell bent on showing that it is proactive in protecting its terrorised citizens. A sophisticated software wired to a mobile app has been developed by security experts in South Block exclusively for the use of the prime minister and his Cabinet, so as to enable real time response to any bomb attack, scam, etc anywhere, anytime, anyplace. IT wizards who painstakingly developed the UPA software delivered a PPP at South Block and explained how it works.

Say the PM is addressing a conference on the Euro crisis in Berlin. Delhi calls him frantically and says, “TV channels are hauling us over the coals as a Rs 40 lakh coal scam has broken out!” The PM immediately gets into action mode. Activated by a sensor, the message is connected directly to a menu titled ‘Scams’ and prompts to a sub-menu titled,
‘Not aware but law will take its own course.’ At the click of a button, a highly reassuring message from PMO reaches out to each and every Indian (including the scamsters) that “the PM is not aware of it but is fully determined to bring the culprits to book.” This shows to the meanest intelligence that our prime minister is, well, supremely knowledgeable.
Just as the PM is wading into his analysis of the euro, his BlackBerry sings again: ‘Bomb blast in Mumbai. 20 killed!’ The PM angrily presses a button.

The automatic sensor directs the message to ‘Terror attacks’ option, and prompts the PM to select the sub-menu option, ‘Saddening’. The main menu has actually four options, viz. Devastating (>200 killed),  Diabolic (>100 killed), Barbaric (>50 killed), Saddening (>20 killed). Within seconds, the entire country feels reassuringly safe and comforted, with the PM’s mobile-generated real time response that “he is deeply saddened by the bomb blast in Mumbai”.

Lokpal bill? Repatriating black money from Swiss banks? The real time response is bang on target: We are reassured that “the government is determined to eliminate the scourge of corruption”. The black money will soon be converted into white.
What happens in the remote chance that there is no bomb blast or scam? The software is smart enough to factor this into account. Every day, it sends out an alert about say, an anniversary of 26/11, Black Wednesday, Parliament attack, CWG scam, Telecom scam, Lokpal bill, coalition compulsion scams, etc etc and the PM directly reaches out to each and every Indian declaring his commitment to deliver whatever it is that his government has to deliver (he may or may not be aware of it).

What is truly unique about this mobile app is that it can take Indian democracy to an entirely different level, where you don’t need to be anything to be the PM.
In fact, you don’t even have to take calls; the cell phone works like an answering machine and comes built in with an encyclopedia of governmental responses, such as ‘stern warning,’ ‘determined to end terror,’ ‘stay calm at this hour of grief,’ and so on and so forth.

Maybe we can even sell it to Pakistan?