A bonding beyond birth

Young urban couples are becoming open to adoption even when they have biological children of their own. Sangeeta Praveen speaks to a few parents on the joys and trials of adoption.

Antaraa (11) is very close to her sister, Ananya (6). They are like any other pair of siblings — they laugh, play, squabble, eat and share a bed together. But unlike other siblings, Antaraa has known Ananya only for the last four years.

Ananya is an adopted child while Antaraa is the biological child of Upamanyu and Vanashree.

Until about a couple of decades ago, adoption was only talked about in hushed tones. When it did happen, it was kept within the family so as to maintain the so-called “purity of lineage”.

Then, around 10 years ago, as social awareness grew, adoptions by childless couples no longer raised eyebrows.

Today, adoptions are not restricted to childless couples. As horizons widen and boundaries shrink, there are a number of couples with biological children who are opting to adopt.

Most couples I spoke to said that the idea to adopt came from one of the them and that it did not take much to convince the other. Sandeep and Deval have two biological sons, Manav (11) and Siddhant (8).

Two years ago, they adopted Saumya who was then two-and-a-half years old. As Deval says, “Initially, our close family and friends expressed reservations as they felt we would be able to treat all the kids equally and without bias.

We always replied that based on our upbringing we were extremely confident that we could bring up all three without differentiation. That message melted away their fears.”

“Ayaan’s entry into our lives was almost pre-ordained”, say Nisha and Keith, parents of six-year-old Maya. They adopted Ayaan a year ago. He was two-and-a-half months old when Nisha and Maya first saw him.

That was when a nun who ran an orphanage put Ayaan into Nisha’s arms and requested her to hold him until she returned. Says, Nisha, “Those 10 minutes of gurgling and cooing made Maya pronounce with certainty that she wanted Ayaan as a sibling.

Until then, adoption had never been uppermost on our minds” The whole process of adoption took two months. During the period Nisha even tried to nurse Ayaan to build a bond.

Doctors confirm that it is possible to breastfeed an adopted child using a hospital grade breast pump and some hormonal supplements. While the milk produced may not be enough to be the baby’s sole source of nutrition, it is sufficient to form a bond between the mother and the child.

Malay and Nandini who already have Sumedha (7), are getting ready to welcome Sukriti (6) into their lives. Till date, they have had her over only on weekends. Says, Nandini, “Having Sukriti has opened up a totally new world to us. All the things that we had taken for granted in our lives, she cherishes.

She does not know the concept of waste. While motherhood does  not come immediately and instinctively, I can see the bonding grow with every visit. We all look forward to her visits as much as she does. Of course, it also helps tremendously that Sukriti is open in her demonstration of love and affection”.

Preparation

Preparing the biological child for the arrival of an adopted sibling and vice-versa is of primary importance. Vanashree says, “We told Antaraa that it was her guardian angel who told us that her sister was waiting for us to come and pick her up.” 

Nisha, on the other hand, linked the adoption of Ayaan to the story of Krishna who was born to Devaki but brought up by Yashoda. Deval built up the excitement of the impending arrival of a sister so much that the boys had a say in everything – right from purchasing her wardrobe to naming her.

She says, “My boys were a huge source of support and encouragement to me”. However, even after a lot of preparation, the first few months of adjustment can be difficult for the entire family. As Deval says, “The first month was very painful.

Saumya used to call me didi and she would be very silent with me and my husband. She used to relate better to Manav and Siddhant and to our pet dog, Happy. Once when we had taken a picture of all the five of us, along with Happy, Saumya took a black crayon and scratched out her face from the picture.

We realised that these were her ways of dealing with her insecurities stemming from her past. We gave her lots of time and space and then, after around eight months, she turned around so beautifully that today nobody looking at her would think that she wasn’t always a part of our family”.

Discipline

Discipline is a big part of parenting and parents should not hesitate to discipline their child, adopted or biological. As Vanashree says, “Ananya once threw a huge tantrum while we were in a public park. She wanted to be carried around while I refused to do so. I told her firmly that if she was tired and did not want to walk, we could sit on a bench.

My mother-in-law who was with me at that time was highly embarrassed as the others in the park had started to stare at us. But I refused to give in. It was a battle of wills and Ananya finally stopped crying when she realised that I was not going to give in to her whims. It was a very difficult situation
for me and I went back home and wept. But the positive outcome was that that was the last time Ananya threw a tantrum.”

Do not try to hide the fact that your child is adopted, either from the children or from outsiders. On the other hand, do not go around advertising this fact either. To outsiders, disclose this information on a need basis and only if you are sure that they are not going to be judgemental about it.

As Nandini says, “While trying to explain about the concept of adoption to both the girls, we found it simplest and most effective to say that Sumedha chose us for parents while we chose Sukriti for a daughter”. The other tried and tested way to explain two sets of parents is to label one as ‘the birth parents” and the other as “the heart parents”.

Despite all these preparations, brace yourself for some conflict situations between the children especially if the age gap between them is very small. Be fair to both kids and take a balanced view. 

Adopting while already having a biological child is a big decision to take. Do it only if the immediate family is on the same page as you are. As Deval sums up, “Follow your heart. Don’t do it for charity or to prove something to somebody else. Do it only when you know with certainty that the adopted child will be the one to complete your family”.