JOIN USIt may seem harsh, but you are the only one who can help yourself through darkness, writes Reshma Krishnamurthy Sharma.
Life appears to be near perfect, if not absolutely perfect. Then, unexpectedly, monsters come your way, knocking on your doors. You encounter a major illness. Or a huge financial loss with which you have lost everything in one stroke - money, status, and relationships.
Or a situation where you lost the love of your life to death or divorce. Or an infertility diagnosis that leaves you feeling barren. A personal tragedy in life, needless to say, drains you emotionally.
The catastrophic personal loss becomes a phase that most of us struggle to come out of. Life just seems to be at crossroads that make you choose between giving up and surrendering to the situation, and starting your second innings in life. Surviving the situation is probably the trickiest part of these instances.
But the biggest challenge lay in finding happiness, or atleast comfort, after having battled out tragedies.
Says Dr Keerti Tewari, a breast cancer survivor in her thirties, post her treatment at HCG hospitals six years ago, “For a person who has studied medicine, I knew that there was something wrong with me, and finally decided to have a check-up. On conducting a random self-examination, the results confirmed that I had breast cancer. The very name of the disease or imagining its implications put me off completely. But my husband let me cry for about two days and then took control of the situation. We started going to several hospitals for consultations and zeroed in on HCG. But no matter what form of support system you may have, ultimately it is only you who has to stand up for yourself and battle out the negativity from your life.”
“The pain I underwent was unimaginable, both at an emotional level and at a physical level. I was balding, putting on weight due to the treatment, and even losing my eyelashes! It was not an easy path when I chose to battle with cancer and decided to have my life back.”
Life, at times, demands that you go harsh on yourself to make things better for yourself. If you can’t hold onto yourself, no one can.
Sharanya Gupta (name changed), who recently had her divorce come through, says, “Everything seemed good when I married the man of my choice. I even had my family to support me. I took a sabbatical from work as I wanted to live this dream of being a happy wife. Now it seems so illusionary and a dream that was only mine and not my husband’s! I was trying to work on my marriage which was turning sour and soon got to know that my husband was cheating on me! The feelings of anger, frustration, and shock hit me hard. I had wasted my time on a relationship that was never meant to be a good one. Finally, it dawned on me that brooding over it would fetch me nothing and that I had to walk out of the marriage. I got back my job and let myself be consumed by work to forget everything else. I did everything that I wanted to, like going to watch good plays, travel a little bit, spending time with myself, though I had good friends and family with me. Today, living as a single woman has become a conscious and deliberate decision. If nothing else, I’m atleast at peace with myself.”
If you can take control of your life and lead yourself towards a better you, nothing can stop you from being at peace.
Anish R, a young businessman who faced a huge financial crisis says, “Financial loss is something that just doesn’t take away only monetary assets. It can take away a person’s social status, lead to severe emotional breakdown and even break relationships. I had suffered so terribly in my business venture that there was a stage when I was close to losing my home. I was even worried about the next meal. The pressure was immense and I had to start all over again. It does take a lot of courage to keep a straight face in front of people, especially when you do not want their sympathy, and just want to thrive on ideas and opportunities to stand tall once again. Today, my business is doing fine and I have built up another home. Being emotionally strong is a key aspect in getting over financial crisis. Negative thoughts of anger, frustration and depression, or even suicidal tendencies, are going to hit you, but you must give up!”
You have only yourself to prove to and you must never let yourself down.
Ali Khwaja, a counsellor, says, “Trauma or a breakdown can be the result of any major happening where the person is unable to cope, and it affects him/her emotionally. Individuals need to look for self-help mechanisms, where they build on inner strength to cope with such situations, and then talk about it to family or friends. Build a support system around you to help you sail through this phase and also, if required, talk to a professional counsellor to fight the battle.”
As a word of caution, he further adds, “Parents need to teach children to understand that failure is part of life and accept that it’s absolutely fine not to be an achiever in everything. That life has its ups and downs for every individual. People need to learn to survive the minor battles right from the beginning in case a situation arises where you need to be strong and this can happen only if you are emotionally secure.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross might have given the world five stages of grief to any form of catastrophic personal loss model in her book ‘On Death and Dying’. The stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are mechanisms of adjusting with grief and perhaps those who are survivors of personal loss or trauma may have undergone these stages or much more.
But a strong message from survivors is that it is only ‘you’ who can help yourself to overcome a burdening experience. Remember difficult times will definitely pass. It’s only a phase. Let go and live life as a fighter, and maybe the best is yet to come, so live on...