Fight to have a good relationship

I  always knew there was no way Donald Trump could have a normal, happy relationship with his wife.

How can a man who views women as fat slobs, with the faces of dogs, who bleed out of their ‘whatevers’ (all direct quotes) have a fully-functioning marriage? If Trump can say all women are golddiggers who don’t deserve ‘assets’, call supermodel Heidi Klum fat and say no one would vote for Carly Fiorina because of “her face”, how can he possibly have a balanced relationship with his own supermodel spouse?

Well obviously, he can’t — and now 45-year-old Melania has unintentionally proved it. In a recent interview, she’d revealed they had never had a major row during their 20-year relationship. “We don’t have fights. We disagree but that’s OK. That’s very good in the relationship,” she said. “I tell him my way and he accepts that, and I tell him what I think and he’s the same. He thinks what he thinks.” In other words: ‘my husband is a crazy sexist who will never change so I’ve given up and no longer bother fighting him. He doesn’t listen to me and never will.’

The fact that the couple don’t fight is incredibly telling. Studies have shown that regular arguments are the secret to healthy relationships (the idea being that it increases communication) and world-renowned experts such as Dr John Gottman of the Gottman Institute have said fighting is the sign of a strong union. Couples who say they don’t fight might, like Melania,  think this is a good thing as they escape the bickering, dramatic arguments and emotional make-ups that plague so many marriages.

But actually, it’s not healthy at all. Therapist Shirlee Kay, of Coupleworks, says: “I always worry when couples come to see me and say they never fight. I think they’re not a very passionate couple. You need that energy and fire. It’s good to have fire even though sometimes it becomes a little distorted and turns into a fight. I think it’s very healthy so long as it’s constructive and that’s what you need to look out for. There’s always a really big opportunity for couples to learn about themselves through fighting and how they fight.”

When couples don’t argue, they tend to either suppress their feelings or act passive aggressively. “My girlfriend and I don’t really argue,” Kwame, 24, tells me. “We don’t like confrontation, but we know when each other is annoyed because they’ll act passive aggressively. So we still end up discussing the problem but without the fight.” It works for them, but the real problem is when one person avoids fights by behaving submissively.

Mia, 26, tells me that’s what her ex-boyfriend used to do during their five-year relationship: “At the time I used to think it was great we never argued. I felt really smug when I’d see my couple friends fighting all the time. But once we broke up, I realised that he’d just been doing whatever I said the entire relationship. We didn’t fight because he gave in to me all the time. That’s ultimately why we broke up. Now I want to be with someone equal to me, who can tell me honestly what they think — and I’m guessing that will sometimes translate to arguments.”

Shirlee says that inequality can be an issue between couples who don’t fight, and the reasons for that are varied: “It could be the dynamic in their family or their own parental model. They themselves maybe didn’t have a voice in their family, so are recreating that experience.”

But it can also be because one voice overrides the other — something she believes is at play in the Trump marriage: “He does that in his debates. He’s a bully who just says what he thinks and ignores others. If that’s the dynamic in the way he is politically, you know that’s how he’ll be in his relationship.”

If it’s true, then it makes Melania’s other comments on her relationship with Donald look even more troubling. Take this: “He’s not into just talking. He’s a doer, he gets the thing done.” She attempted to frame this in a positive way but it doesn’t work politically or
romantically — communication is the foundation of any relationship. No wonder the poor woman has stayed out of the limelight for most of his campaign — Trump probably didn’t let her speak up. Shirlee offers tips for couples who either don't fight or argue too much:
How to fight fair

Don’t get personal in attacks on your partner. Name the issue and then you can express how it made you feel.

Try to avoid expressions such as “you always” or “everyone thinks this about you....” Put the issues in context so your partner will understand where you are coming from.
 If arguments get out of hand, ‘take a break’ or ‘slow things down’.

After a fight, it’s important to acknowledge if it was difficult for you both. Make physical contact. This can be a hug, kiss, whatever. It lets the other know all is well with the foundation of the relationship and that a fight is a fight and will pass.

Get some guidance from a couple’s therapist. They will help normalise your feelings and disentangle difficult and entrenched issues to help you
argue constructively.
Remember that understanding and change takes time.