JOIN USThe tail end
He tried a few sotte voce barks at himself. Then he barked in kali four. Not happy with the effect, he tried a bass, sounding like Amitabh Bachchan swearing to turn the villain into mashed potatoes.
He turned to me. “What do you think of my bark?” You have to be very careful what you say to this compulsive canine. If I said he had a good bark, he'd be barking all night. If I said it was grating, he'd stop performing his watch-dog function.
“It’s a nice bark as barks go.”
He preened some more. “What do you think of my coat? Is it glossy like those wimpy dogs have in the ads? Does it radiate with the inner light of health and happiness and ripple in passing breeze like the heroine’s hair in a convertible?” he asked eagerly.
I tried to hmmmm my way through this too. Because as coats go his looked like a brindle carpet that has forgotten it once had pile. Despite his many excellent qualities of heart and soul, Nimboo will never be considered a stand in for Johnny Depp.
“Um um. It’s a good coat, considering all the vitamin drops I dribbled into your mouth when you were a pup.”
“There you go …, taking the credit for it all. I just want to know if I looked like somebody who can be an icon.”
“That is why we have all those females prowling near our gate all the time. Can’t you see you are an object of rampant desire?”
“Thank you,” he said with dignity. “I just wanted an objective opinion on my sex appeal.”
“Tell me,” I said. “Are you planning to get into Bollywood? Or are you auditioning for Indian Idol or KBC…. There are any number of reality shows.”
“I am not an exhibitionist, though I can stump all those dumb contestants on KBC. And if they were to hold a Nimboo ka Swayamvar the TRPs would leave them dumbfounded. But forget all that – I just want you to look at my butt seriously. Does it have the x-factor?”
This had carried on for too long. “What x-factor! Let us not get ideas beyond ourselves. Dogs have x-factor only for other dogs.”
“In that case it has to be my tail. Doesn’t it have a certain taut grace and energy to it? You know… like a panther about to leap on its prey?”
“It has a life of its own most times…..so what?”
“Doesn’t it have a rippling tension that shows strength and gravitas and the unbridled spontaneity of expression?”
“Gravitas, spontaneity …. in a dogs tail !!?It is certainly very expressive.” I conceded.
“I have decided. My tail is the asset I want to insure for a neat billion,” he said decisively.
“Whoever heard of insuring a mongrel's tail? What do you expect will happen to it?”
“What do you suppose will happen to John Abraham's butt ? Nothing. But it will make the world sit up and take notice.”
Now his tail wagged like a metronome on speed. “Maybe they will appoint me Official Soothsayer for the ODIs. Left for India and a right wag for Pakistan winning……If they can get rid of all those Paki fixers, that is.”