'Jewel Thief: The Heist Begins' movie review: No sparkle in this jewel thief's tale

First up, gangsters canny enough to manage “clients with offshore accounts” do not say that out loud to a lackey before strangling him. Two, Africa is not a country, and hence, ‘Africa’s prince’ touring the world with a red diamond sounds ludicrous.

When a ‘heist’ begins in this fashion, you know you have to endure two hours of abominable triteness that not even Jaideep Ahlawat, the season’s flavour, can save you from. In short, two adversaries, gangster Rajan (Ahlawat) and ‘jewel thief’ Rehan (Saif Ali Khan), come together to steal ‘Red Sun’, the aforementioned diamond, for reasons of their own. Yes, both want to outwit the other.

Not only is the script predictable, but the dialogues are also often a hoot. Unintentionally, of course. Sample this: In a scene where Rehan is explaining how he intends to steal the diamond from a museum, he tells us solemnly he has a master plan — ta-da, he will reset the mainframe! (Inside my brain, I could hear the ‘system guys’ of every office cackling.)

Frankly, there is nothing to recommend in this tale. Saif looks bored and tired. Ahlawat tries hard, but the script is so inane that eventually he gives up as well. Even fast-forwarding to the end credits to see him grooving surprisingly well won’t help — because the makers threaten us about a sequel just before the song begins.

Can they kindly munch a few of the belladonna flowers Rehan keeps using to make his enemies black out and spare us.