Alice in Trumpland: A guided tour

If you are planning to visit the US in the next few years, make sure to visit the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library in Miami in his adopted home state of Florida, right next to his Doral golf course and his new hotel.

Shortly after Trump left office, the presidential library bearing his name was established. This is in keeping with the practice, started in 1941, of setting up federal presidential libraries in each president’s home state (Trump’s is New York) once the president has left office. Like most libraries with significant holdings, this one too has several cavernous rooms with plenty of bookshelves. With books. This is especially noteworthy since DJT wasn’t particularly fond of reading anything other than his tax returns or The Art of the Deal, TAOTD for short.

In addition to the main library, there is a library annex, a special collections section, an audio-visual room, and a gift shop.

The rooms in the main library have a unique numbering system – TAO1 through TAO5. When you walk into TAO1, you are struck by how neatly and uniformly the books have been arranged. Also, you marvel at the fact that all the books are of the same size. You pull out a book at random and look at the title. The Art of The Deal. You take out another book, again at random, and glance at the title. Ditto. Two copies, perhaps? You walk across the room and look at yet another book. Same deal.

Truly bewildered, you go into the next room, TAO2, and select a book at random. Guess what, it is in Korean, but the book jacket looks oddly familiar. Here too, the books are all the same size and neatly arranged. The books in TAO3 are in Russian, and the ones in TAO4 and TAO5 are in Hindi and Chinese, respectively. All 50,000 copies of TAOTD, translated into many, many languages – second only to the Bible. Not as popular as God, but close. The Tao of DJT.

You didn’t know DJT was a polyglot, did you? Please check with his ghostwriter. No, not the one who is rumoured to have helped DJT get into an Ivy League school.

The library annex labelled the All My Children (Note to readers: AMC was a long-running vapid TV soap opera during the 1960s-70s) annex has three rooms that contain books written by DJT’s three oldest children. Multiple copies, naturally.

The two-room special collections section is truly awesome. In the middle of the first room stands a full-size statue of DJT holding a copy of his yet-to-be-published manuscript, The Art of the Steal. If it reminds you of Chairman Mao, you are sadly misinformed. DJT was no fan of Communism. It is really too bad that the entire statue is gold-plated, since you cannot make out his signature hairstyle.

The second room, which speaks to DJT’s artistic and architectural bent of mind, is totally barren. The south-facing wall is absolutely white. As are the other three walls. Not a speck of colour on any of them – black, brown, yellow or red. Please, no graffiti. The audio-visual room may disappoint since it has a lot of tapes, but they are all empty.

When you step out into the extensive grounds of the library, you will be amazed by how much it mirrors the contents of the second room in the special collections section. No trees, just asphalt. A real tribute to DJT’s commitment to the environment.

Don’t forget to pick up a souvenir or two at the grift (sic) shop, which has an elaborate collection of MAGA hats of different sizes, even for the newborn. In case you get hungry, the concession stand across from the gift shop sells Big Macs, freedom fries, and vanilla shakes. Supersized ones cost more. Worried about obesity? Well, don’t. DJT didn’t care either.

The best time to visit is over the Memorial Day weekend when the Miss America Pageant is held on the grounds of the library. It is a lot of fun to watch the scantily clad contestants walk down the handicapped access ramp leading to the library. There is no entrance fee, but you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement to get into the library. But do make sure to drop off the agreement in one of the boxes at the exit gate. You surely don’t want to reveal all the surprises the library has in store for future visitors, do you?

The mandatory exit fee of $59.95 gets you your very own signed copy of TAOTD. Plus a photograph of the former president to adorn your living room or private library. Free, of course.

(Last week, Florida approved the site for the library. This is a work of satire.)

The writer is a computer scientist, a newly minted Luddite and a cynic.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are the author's own. They do not necessarily reflect the views of DH.