Not just words…

Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. Only the sufferer knows how much it pains.

“He is in a better place”, “Be happy that the end was peaceful and he didn’t suffer”, and “Everyone has to die, it’s the universal truth”. Condolences poured in from all corners. Each one was tearfully acknowledged and accepted. I had lost my father and felt orphaned, though there were other family members. I realised that no one can substitute parents and nothing would make the pain go away. It might fade over time but the scar would remain.

Death is cruel and when it comes calling, we are left numb yet experience deep anguish and helplessness. It’s like a serrated knife being twisted into your heart, leaving jagged edges and a trailing fire burning. The inferno scars you for life.

When someone passes away, we often feel awkward and may choose to keep quiet, fearing our words may sound artificial. We may be hesitant to visit or send our words of comfort, especially if we haven’t been in touch. How do we say the same old words of condolence -- prayers for the departed soul and strength for the family? No amount of consoling will erase the agony but yes, a soft word, a touch, a message, a presence, to say the ”I am with you” can make a lot of difference. It is a way of telling them that you are thinking about them in their time of grief.

Social media has made offering condolences easier. However, there are etiquettes to be mindful of. We should not be the ones to break the news, unless the family has requested us to. If it has been announced on social media, then we can place our condolences there, as it gives them a feeling that they aren’t alone. Of course, social media is no substitute for a visit or a call. Choose the words carefully to pacify the aggrieved; not fuel their sadness. A personal remembrance message with a note of how you cherish the memory of time spent or a conversation with the deceased helps.

Many show respect to the deceased as a cortege passes by them. There are folks whose hearts get heavy reading an obituary, who mourn even when they see or read any news of death, even that of a stranger. The very sight of a body draped in a shroud is enough to make hearts heavy. But let’s not just be sad, let’s be with people when they are in pain, when they are suffering in agony of losing a near one.

Words spoken at that time aren’t just words of comfort but are worth their weight in gold.