Tampering with the nose

Right In The Middle

There are two famous walls— The great wall of China, which is still standing, and the Berlin Wall, which was pulled down. And there are the walls of insignificance fought over by blood relations, principally.

Years ago, I sat along with my wife before an ENT specialist, who resembled an old barn owl. He inclined his head towards my wife, ignoring me summarily, to hear about the object of our visit. From the dash of vermillion mark on his forehead, I construed that he must be an amalgam of allopathy and homoeopathy.

"Doctor, my husband, here, always sniffs habitually like Krishnamachari Srikkanth, when the swashbuckler opens the Indian innings with Sunil Gavaskar. He gives an impression of a traffic cop, sniffing to know if a rider has taken a stiff one in the bar. I am not sure if it is sinus trouble or dust allergy. Please take a look and do something to stop his habit," she told him.

I merely sniffed, to supply samples, if need be. The doctor chose at random the gleaming stainless steel instruments from his tray and deftly introduced, one after the other, first into my nostrils, pushing my nose every which way, and my mouth. Depressing my tongue, which I put out, I choked, suppressing an urge to throw my lunch all over his desk and in Domino Effect sniffed with greater intensity.

"Must be dust allergy, doctor," my wife suggested a diagnosis, "His people are allergic to one thing or the other. His mother is allergic to the smell of garlic and the finicky father to incense sticks."

Miffed at being out staged, the doctor said in his booming voice, "Madam, I’ll narrate you a story. There were two brothers who inherited a big house from their father. As it so happens, a dispute arose in dividing the house in two parts. A wall was built across the hall, dividing into two livable portions. But the younger one who checked the wall, constructed in his absence, found that a foot was away from his portion. A long pending dispute arose, that made the town lawyer build a small house from the fees he earned. Coming to your husband’s case, the wall that separates the nose from the left and right nostrils, is out of alignment or non-centric due to manufacturing defect by Almighty God."

My wife perked up. "Doctor, you mean septum deviation?"

Floored by her medical acumen, the doctor stood up and bowed his head in admiration, while I blinked owlishly.

"Right, maam. It can be set right by a surgery. If you are sentimental, you can choose the auspicious date for the surgery. Here is an almanac."

I stood up seething with anger. "No surgery. And no tampering with my nose, mind you. I’ve managed to live for fifty long years with that askew septum, centum or whatever wall that is. And I hope to continue for the rest of my life." I quit the doctor’s cabin in a huff leaving both speechless.